Nukezilla Review: Madden NFL 12 (PS2)

Oh good lord. What was EA trying to pull here?

For years people have been saying that all the Madden series does is update the rosters, change whatever auxiliary function the R3 button performs, and remember to change the number and cover art before charging full retail price for what could have been a patch. Somehow what they’ve done here is even worse.

This twelfth edition of Madden to see release on the PS2 manages something special: offering less than it has in past years. The presentation is worse. It’s buggier than old editions. Hell, it even looks worse than older copies of the game did. It feels like EA handed one of their developers the PSP copy and told him to get it working on PS2 over the weekend.

The flashy intro from previous years has been replaced with a static screen featuring the logo. Players run through the walls of the stadium or clip through the ground after scoring touchdowns. It’s like in a bad ’50s monster movie when you can see the zipper on the back of the mask and the “night time” shots were filmed at two in the afternoon with a blue filter.

The stands are now full of grey stick figure fans. I went back to my copy of Madden NFL 2004 to compare, and while the crowds weren’t exactly highly detailed, they looked a hell of a lot better than this edition.

Touchdown celebrations are back, but the three options don’t really seem to correspond to anything happening after you select them. More laziness is apparent here, as teammates apear out of nowhere to get in on the celebration. Plus every NFL player is apparently now an awkward 13 year old on his first date, because the players all hover hand each other instead of patting each other on the back. Probably hiding the same crappy collision detection that causes the afore mentioned trips into the stands. My old 2004 copy once again proved its worth, as back then big touchdown plays received stylized replays, absent from this year’s version. It feels like if they couldn’t get it working right the first afternoon it got cut. I’m surprised field goals are still in the game.

Coaches will magically appear next to players once the play is over, but it really doesn’t matter. They all seem to share the same model and animation, but with their shirts and skin color swapped.

The play-by-play commentary is incredibly half assed. I’m sure they’re re-using old clips at this point, as half the rosters weren’t recoded. I heard quite a bit of “That was a great run by… number 14.” Now I can’t expect them to have names recorded all the way down to the third string tight end, but a few of the starting quarterbacks weren’t even covered. Gus Johnson and Cris Collinsworth are inconsistent throughout, and really don’t sound that interested. Just track down the old tapes of John Madden himself from several years back. Even if half the players were just a nameless number it would be a step up from these bozos.

There are frame rate issues on almost every passing play. Again, they had this working just fine nine years ago. Who the hell told them to go out of their way to break it? The camera might be part of the problem, as it stutters like handheld footage before half of the plays even get started.

Then there’s Family Mode. I can’t hold it too much against the game, being a wierd little off shoot mode they don’t seem to expect many people to play, but wow, is it bad. It’s pretty much just “press X to win.” Play selection is limited, and the computer even puts a flashing box around which of the few options is best for this scenario. Not that it matters, as the AI controlled team seams to pick the worst option against you, then run around at half speed like they’re playing on a bum ankle.

For a four year old it might be fine, but for anyone over that age it’s insultingly easy. Using Tampa Bay (my favorite team, but they’re pretty mediocre to be honest) I beat the New England Patriots (best record in the league last year, where they got most of this edition’s stats) by a score of 196-0. In 3 minute quarters. The highest ever score in a real game was 73, and they had 15 minute quarters. I also intercepted Tom Brady 18 times with a mediocre secondary. Tom Brady’s worst entire season for interceptions was 14.

Oh, and they didn’t bother recording scores that go that high, so the announcers read off the final score of “96-0″.

They only consistant thing about the game is the lack of effort. Which makes it all the more insulting that they are charging $40 for it. Do yourself a favor and go buy an old copy from the bargain bin for $2 instead. Or better yet, NFL 2K5. God it was nice when there was competition in this market.