Nukezilla Tests “Sickly” Tabloid The Sun

[Editor's Note: Sean performed these highly-accurate scientific tests and documented his findings the afternoon of April 6th, but Nukezilla declined to publish the story immediately due to its importance and the need for thorough fact checking.

Naturally, while this post was waiting to be published Jon Ruggerio discovered a similar story written by Mike Rose at Pocket Gamer. We would like to note that had we known another publication were going to buy a copy of The Sun, we would have asked to borrow theirs.]

Nukezilla has received thousands of complaints from angry readers of a British tabloid, The Sun, over the past few days. Some have complained of sore arms from having to turn real paper pages over and over again. Many were worried about the lack of standard features normally used in today’s news. One email read:

I just kept trying to jab my finger at the words in bold hoping they would link me to a related article, but nothing happened. It is an outrage! The Sun needs to get its act together.

The majority of complaints, however, stem from people becoming nauseous and experiencing headaches after reading the newspaper for extended periods of time. Readers are also finding themselves with blurred vision and slurred speech because of the mind numbing articles used throughout the publication.

Using journalism, I set out to investigate these claims, and purchased the most recent copy of The Sun from my local newsagents. In my test, I read the newspaper in 30 minute intervals with a ten minute break between each.

Time spent reading: 30 minutes
Last article read: Why Didn’t They Tell Me My Son’s Killer Was On Hol?
Findings: Use of anonymous sources and dredging up a mother’s memories of a horrible tragedy. There is a possibility of some truth in the story. I’m not feeling any ill effects at the moment.

Time spent reading: One hour
Last article read: Skin Cancer Soaring For “Tanorexics”
Findings: Scaremongering about cancer with two conflicting articles next to each other. One talks of how cases of skin cancer have increased due to sun bed overuse. The other details how a young woman who didn’t use sunbeds or go out much in the sun died from skin cancer. A friend of mine who works in the NHS was observing me at the time, and noticed my eyes were moving from left to right rapidly. He said this was a sure sign I was developing nystagmus, and that I should stop reading immediately.

Time spent reading: One hour and 30 minutes
Last article read: Game For A Barf
Findings: Ignoring my friend’s advice, I continued on to get to the truth of the matter. In this article, The Sun conducted a test on the recently released Nintendo 3DS. The complete lack of scientific research and unfair testing conditions baffled me. Towards the end of the article, I found myself getting light headed, and my vision started to blur. I had to put the newspaper down, as I feared for my own health.

Conclusion: There’s a huge mismatch between what your eyes are reading and what the other senses are telling you. You are reading one thing, but your brain is telling you it’s garbage. This is what causes most of the dizziness and nausea that occurs when reading this particular publication. The way the reader holds The Sun also puts a strain on the neck, which can cause stiffness or aches and contribute to a headache.