Nukezilla Review: Mass Effect 2 DLC – Complete (Multi)

As I’ve admitted to you all before, I have a problem with DLC. Yes, I think most of it is crap and not worth your hard earned cash; however I do have a weakness. When a game I’m excited about offers reasonably priced add-on content, I begin a long process of weighing the value of said content completely out of context of reality. So rather than making an impassioned impulse purchase, I coolly weigh the value of new entertainment against the cost of other more disposable purchases such as a weekday lunch at one of the over-priced delis on Main Street. So, of course I load up on piles and piles of new levels, weapon packs and modes as casually as most people buy a venti latte at Starbucks.

Most of this content sits patiently on my HDDs until the magical day that I emerge from the dark forest of life to the top of the tower. Much like the conquering hero from a fairy tale, I climb victoriously, having defeated the demons and trolls that posses my precious free time. Sadly most of my true loves to be are still waiting in their eternal coma never to be awoken from their slumber by a kiss and probably a few title updates (or patches for you stubborn PS3 owners out there). I won’t bore you with the complete list, but I have the complete set of map packs for Call of Duty: World at War (a game I’ve never played), Fable 3 DLC that I wouldn’t play if you paid me to, and of course Warden’s Keep for Dragon Age: Origins (which sounds totally innocuous until I reveal this version is for the 360 and I already own most of the DLC for Dragon Age: Origins on the PC). My excuse for most of this is that they were usually on sale…and I’m a very sick person (apparently).

Only one game has received my full attention and considerable incremental investment over the past year. Mass Effect 2 had me at “hello” and has been a plentiful well of escapism that I return to on a frequent basis for respite. With the release of Arrival, Bioware has announced they’re through releasing content for Mass Effect 2. To celebrate this cessation of new content and subsequent pining for my November bride (third time’s the charm, am I right?) here’s a piece-by-piece review of each DLC pack that’s been released for Bioware’s award-winning magnum opus. Enjoy!

Cerberus Network – $15/1200 MSP (or free with a new retail purchase)
This seemed like a great deal at the time of the game’s initial release: buy the game new and receive tons of free content, which would be dolled out over time like some kind of digital time-release acid reflux capsule. During the course of the first few months this free DLC was all that was available. For a long period, Bioware’s relative silence on paid DLC gave the impression this may be a bountiful feast.

On the first day, members of the network received a cold-blooded mercenary named Zaeed as a new squad member. This seemingly South African Caucasian man was out for revenge against his former partner and co-founder of the Blue Suns gang – good start. Also included on day one was the Normandy crash site. Who doesn’t want to wander through spaceship wreckage on a somber quest to collect dog tags of fallen comrades and watch creepy videos of ghosts from the past – weird.

Then we were teased about new missions involving a land vehicle; similar, but much improved from the misunderstood rover portions of ME1. The Firewalker pack, as it was dubbed, was delayed at least once, and in the meantime we received a new set of Cerberus combat armor and a powerful heavy weapon that functioned like a sci-fi equivalent of chain lightning.

Finally, Firewalker was released and it was a dud. The new vehicle controlled much better than a six-wheeled monstrosity, but the levels where you could use it were bizarrely platform inspired and felt like poorly tacked on schlock. Only one of the missions had any story relevance, which was deafened when you discovered the object of your search turned out to be another Prothean beacon (a crucial part of ME1) of no major significance. Also, I want to slap the designer responsible for adding a wiggle-the-analog-stick mini-game when you were required to pick up objects from the ground – horrible.

Seeing that most of you would be able to get this all for free, I suppose value doesn’t come into play, but hey, we’re talking about quality, not value. If you did buy the game used or borrow it from a friend maybe you picked this up for $15, but I highly doubt it. I would LOVE to see their sales figures on Cerberus Network; after all, this was EA’s first foray into Project Ten Dollar.

Aegis Pack – $2/160 MSP
[M-29 Incisor sniper rifle and the Kestrel armor]
When Bioware teased Mass Effect 3 they outfitted their weary bell tower sniper with an Incisor – it’s pretty much the bees’ knees and a fan favorite. Use this rifle to win the game and save the universe (and visa versa). The armor on the other hand is powerful, but fugly as hell.

Get used to my brief aesthetic appraisals of the wearable content. I spent hours trying to get my dude to look unique and bad ass using the armor customization utility, but kept coming back to the default, vanilla suit. Your mileage may vary.

Equalizer Pack – $2/160 MSP
[Capacitor Helmet, Archon Visor, and Inferno Armor]
If you pre-ordered ME2 from Amazon.com, you already had the valuable Inferno armor, which is some of the best in the game. The helmet and visor are so hideous and inessential they’re pretty much trash. If you like to see your Shep’s face, steer clear of this pack.

Firepower Pack – $2/160 MSP
[Phalanx pistol, Mattock rifle, Geth plasma shotgun]
Like our very own Faye Lanks, the pistol does indeed pack quite a surprising punch, though the blue laser sight looks ghastly. I give all of my shotty pals the Geth blaster, except for Grunt because that Krogan special is so very nice. I have no idea what the Mattock rifle is. I’ve played through the game recently for the third time and I don’t recall ever seeing or using it. I suppose you have to be an elderly gentleman detective to find a use for it… (what – you’ve never seen an episode of Matlock?)

Alternate Appearance Pack # 1 (Garrus, Thane, Jack) – $2/160 MSP
If you’re down with paying two bucks for new digital clothes for your in-game pals, give this one a shot. Just know that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night screaming with visions of Jack sitting at the edge of my bed wearing those Back to the Future Part II glasses. What’s seen can never be unseen.

Alternate Appearance Pack # 2 (Grunt, Tali, Miranda) – $2/160 MSP
See above, with one exception. I know some of you out there are creepy pervs when it comes to Miranda’s backside. Stop it! The internet should be used for wonderful things like learning, understanding and compassion, not your sweaty fan fiction about a space clone’s ass.

Kasumi’s Stolen Memory – $7/560 MSP
Kasumi is a Japanese cyber-rogue assassin capable of backstabbing fools using what appears to be a combination of cloaking and teleportation with a pinch of magic. She is easily one of my favorite squad members, but her back story and conversation dialogue deserved much better treatment than Bioware was capable of providing via this DLC. Her loyalty mission is unique and clever, and the cinematics are high class. All of these elements help to fit her perfectly into the ensemble rogue’s gallery. As an added bonus, this pack comes with the game’s best SMG, which is key if you are playing any class other than a soldier. The only weak points for this pack are the length of the mission and the aforementioned underdevelopment of her character. This is nothing new if you’re familiar with how Zaeed was handled. Here’s hoping Bioware hear the community’s gripes and if they plan (who am I kidding – of course they are) on adding new characters for Mass Effect 3 as DLC they feel integrated with the core cast and the expectations for interaction within the context of the rest of the crew.

Overlord – $7/560 MSP
From here on in these are the extended mission packs. Each one of these DLC packs come with multiple missions and introduce new characters, but don’t offer any bonus content such as weapons or the like.

Overlord was the first of the larger mission packs and features a twisted story. As is common in Mass Effect side mission story telling, there’s a “rogue VI (virtual intelligence – not to be confused with artificial intelligence, dummy)” and you’re tasked with taking it out, whatever the cost. This pack includes the best use of the Firewalker vehicle and a lot of good combat. There’s a neat little twist at the end which as far as I can recall is the first time they’ve played with the presentation of the game to the player. I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of this to come in ME3. All told this is a worthwhile purchase, but as it turns out, it’s nothing compared to…

Lair of the Shadow Broker – $10/800 MSP
…Liara T’Soni. She’s a blue skinned Asari (a unisex race of mystics, prostitutes and psychic warriors) who was probably the most popular choice for a relationship partner from ME1. When you meet up with her in ME2 she’s a cold fish, no matter what the 1s and 0s say in your imported save file. I actually replayed ME1 to recover a save where I beat the game with her as a partner – which I admit sounds iffy, but that’s how I played it the first time and the alternative is a racist human gal who spouts military poetry as her mating call. In any case, Lair of the Shadow Broker allows you to continue your relationship with the good doctor and investigate her whereabouts on Illium following her mysterious disappearance. This is by far the beefiest DLC on offer and more than provide you with closure/continuation of your fictional cross species relationship also ties up one of the franchise’s biggest mysteries: who/what is the Shadow Broker. Amazing stuff for an unabashed fan of Mass Effect such as myself.

Arrival – $7/560 MSP
…which brings us to the end. Sadly, the most conclusive thing I can say about Arrival is this: don’t buy it. There are moments of quality, but the whole thing comes across like a cheap tease for ME3. Cheap not just in intention, but execution. For some arbitrary reason, you’ve got to abandon your squad on this mission and go it solo. If you’ve played hours of Mass Effect 2 you probably agree that combat is not the strong points for the game. However, poorly designed corridor combat is 90% of what you’re faced with here. To add to the frustration of the experience, there are several sections of the levels that are very poorly designed and leave you wandering from door to door looking for the right path forward. I never had to use the “objective” arrow function during the whole game, but it’s completely broken here when you’d actually need it for once.

One of the highlights of Mass Effect‘s missions are the choices. Forgive an enemy or blow them away. Sacrifice someone to save dozens more. The single critical decision you have to make in this mission is a doozy in a good way, but the outcome of your decision is invalidated almost immediately following your heroic efforts. I get that not every mission has to end in total success (falling rose pedals and a ticker tape parade), but the explanation for how you fail here is laughable. Maybe it was just the delivery of the critical moment, but it actually laughed when I heard Shepard describe how he fell short. They even tacked on a epilogue where an important character from the franchise comes in to expound on your failure and absurdly place you directly in harms way for the opening of the finale. I get that they were trying to bridge the two games, but with the stupendous success and critical acclaim for ME2 so fresh in the gaming public’s mind you’d think they’d want to go out with a bang – you know, bring their “A” game. This one gets an “F” from me.