Real-Time Suck Review: House of The Dead

RTS (Real-Time Suck) Movie Reviews look at the worst in videogame movies in real time. Watch the movie alongside Jon (taking note of the timestamps) so you can share his pain.

00:00 Now this one’s a little out of left field. Uwe Boll, film-maker extraordinaire, decided to make a movie based on a zombie rail-shooter that had simple, ridiculously cheesy cutscenes and almost no plot. From those scraps of a story he made a movie that has nothing to do with the original games save for the existence of zombies. Something tells me that all the cutscenes spliced together will be more entertaining than this cinematic chaff. Begrudgingly, here’s this week’s Real-Time Suck review of House of The Dead.

00:01 …with a soundtrack made by Oscar-winning composer Trent Reznor! Or someone who doesn’t know what music is trying to recreate any NIN song they can think of. Also, the cutscenes I was just talking about are being played in the background. So there’s that.

00:03 I simply cannot wait to see all these characters die.

00:04 How could SEGA sponsor a rave, and have not one single Sonic mascot running around?

00:05 Oh, wow, the lesser Howard. How far he’s fallen since Star Trek. I’m pretty sure the projection he used in that episode is prettier than he is.

00:07 Wow, it’s almost like the movie heard my lame reference and wanted to make one itself.

00:10 Unlike most things in life, tits won’t redeem this, no matter how much Uwe wants them to.

00:11 Jesus, I don’t know what was worse about that scene: the shitty audio, the obviously fake vomit, or the girl who doesn’t know how to act like she was just vomited on.

00:13 I’m now keeping a tally to see how many tits are casually revealed in this attempting to make it thrilling softcore porn based on a video game. We’re currently at two reveals.

00:16 Oh, so that’s the movie? A low-budget horror film that is only related to the game it shares a name with by randomly putting scenes from said game in it for no reason? Yup, sounds like something Uwe would make.

00:20 The Mystery Gang has stumbled upon the rave and proceed to get drunk rather than wonder why 200+ people have randomly disappeared. Sounds reasonable.

00:22 Why do they keep talking about dancing to music…when there isn’t any playing, and they don’t seem to be capable DJs? This movie, sadly, has a few plot holes.

00:24 This movie just tried to fit in every cliché that a horror movie sex scene can have in about 30 seconds. Astounding.

00:26 Shit, we didn’t even get to see the blow-up doll die properly.

00:28 Three.

00:31 Oh, thank God, something to redeem this film: poop jokes.

00:32 Hahahaha, ok that was pretty fulfilling. I didn’t even know bimbos flew like that after getting shot.

00:34 Slowly but surely this movie is becoming passable. At least there’s no Kids In The Hall dick.

00:37 Uwe must be trying to break a world record for greatest number of quick-cuts and needless close-ups that one person can fit in a movie.

00:40 Cool scene. Thankfully it was too dark for me to see any of the action that was going on.

00:42 Oh sure, pirates, that’s what’ll save this film.

00:44 That’s the second time a character has obviously heard something, and said that they didn’t. Did the dialogue just lap itself?

00:45 I wish I was watching Lord of The Rings right now…

00:47 What kind of gun runner only smuggles one case of randomly assorted weapons?

00:50 Yay! Shitty accompanying rap! If one person shoots off-screen to reload, this scene will instantly redeem this movie.

00:51 One Wisconsin teacher’s yearly salary was used to do just one of those 360-degree character shots. Think about that.

00:52 Um…what?

00:56 SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!

00:58 That was the dumbest scene I’ve ever witnessed. How many horrifying sexual favors must Boll perform to get the money to make these terrible films?

01:03 Thank God all this lingering sexual tension is getting resolved! What a load off my mind!

01:06 Why do evil scientists always have to light their dungeons/workspaces so meticulously?

01:07 “It’s fucking genius”: Not a phrase I thought I’d hear anywhere near this movie.

01:10 Wait…are we even going to see that creepy bitch who’s been stalking them through the woods, or did they think we’d forget about her?

01:13 Oh, I get it, if they keep showing game footage, then we’ll have to accept that the movie is based on the game! I’m surprised Shakespeare himself didn’t think up such a storytelling mechanic.

01:14 Oh cool, I love Swamp Thing.

01:16 It’s always for immortality. Always.

01:17 I’m calling those way too bouncy tits as four.

01:18 I think it was Romero who pioneered the zombie movie that ends in a Medieval sword fight with gimmicky camera tricks.

01:20 Ha! Game Over! Because it’s a…oh, never mind, you wouldn’t get it.

01:22 Hahaha, ok, that was kind of a good way to end it. The entire movie is just a prequel for the games. Too bad you have to sit through over an hour of the most contrived zombie bullshit to get to it. I love how Uwe thinks he can make his movies incredible by taking the ability to replicate shots that were boring 10 years ago and re-use them ad infinitum, until he’s used the GDP of a small country just to show all the angles of an Asian girl in an American flag jumpsuit shooting at zombies. I guess if I had to recommend this movie, it’d be to show off what has to be the worst action sequence ever made. That graveyard scene was fucking ROUGH.

D-. At least I actually made it through this one.