Real-Time Awesome Review: Street Fighter: The Movie

00:00 Color me excited, folks. After living through the horror that is Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, I get to review the PROPER Street Fighter movie. Yes, today I’m hanging up my usual vitriolic reviewer’s cap and will wear the chapeau of over-eager fandom, all in the name of my love for this film. For this is not an RTS review. No, my friends, this is a Real-Time Awesome review of Street Fighter: The Movie.

00:01 CNN ain’t got shit on GNT. And Amanpour can suck Chun-Li’s hair ball…things (what the hell are those even?).

00:02 OH GOD WHAT AN ENTRANCE. And I think I just came when he flipped his cape.

00:04 Oh Guile, you so crazy. And they even put Deejay in there just for the hell of it. Now THAT’S dedication to an original franchise.

00:05 …did Guile just call Bison a dickhead? Well, I can see why; he’s a dude who taught his lackeys a modified Nazi salute for victory.

00:07 Beauty, brains, and the ability to kill random Mongols in a barbed-wire cage? Man, Vega has it all.

00:09 ZING! It’s just Nerf guns! It’s like my twelfth birthday all over again, only there’s less despondent gun-smuggling warlords.

00:11 They’re forcing him to watch Postal. No wonder he’s being made into a killer.

00:13 He became you? Sounds sexual. Also, that woman throwing away her sign? Biggest diss in movie history. What. A. Bitch.

00:15 Again, like my birthday, all good times are ruined when a faux UN breaks in and arrests everyone.

00:18 Even when being brainwashed by Bison he can’t stop spamming his electrical attack. Like everyone else that has ever played Blanka.

00:20 JCVD: The World’s Foremost Repo Man Pun Maker.

00:23 Aww…I hope Guile is just dead in a ploy to take Bison down a peg, and he’s not really…oh, fuck, there I go ruining the brilliant movie! Sorry.

00:25 What mad man would want to increase the size of his food court just to get Sbarro to join Shadaloo?

00:26 Agreed, Zangief. Agreed.

00:31 Something tells me that whatever Bison did to Chun-Li, he doesn’t remember, and it’ll come up in some amazingly over-the-top speech later.

00:31 Wow, nice dialog, Bandage-Head Guy. Shit’ I’m supposed to be happy. Don’t take that as sarcasm, then.

00:33 Ok, nice Capcom mention, ON THE CAP OF THE BARREL! LOLS!1!!11

00:34 Yeah, better make sure these ain’t filled with squishy darts. And good work, Bison, on complimenting Sagat on his goods.

00:36 Bison’s ultimate plan: kidnap the Queen and make his own currency.

00:37 Did they just uselessly re-cock their guns?

00:39 Why in God’s name would I want to change the channel, Zangief? This is fantastic!

0042 Many good Bothans died giving them that info.

00:43 Wow, the torturer looks almost exactly like Guile from Street Fighter: The Later Years!

00:44 Ah, the first of many actual in-game uniforms here (aside from Bison’s). It only gets better from here.

00:47 Now THAT’S one hell of a monologue.

00:49 An amazing robe, accented by all of SF2 Bison’s alt costume hats. Good work, Street Fighter: The Movie.

00:51 I’ve always thought about having a chandelier like that, made out of my KFC remains. But then I am a rather disgusting person.

00:54 Brilliant observation from the guy who’s job it is to get fat and slam into people.

00:56 And accurate costume #4 appears.

01:00 I want that dude’s job: just hitting the button to activate the big guns.

01:01 That floating platform is on loan from Bowser.

01:03 Yup, that is totally a SF2 fighting pad he’s using. Incredible.

01:05 The random scenes that make absolutely no sense in the context of this film are some of the best. And I don’t know why.

01:09 I wonder if the film makers have ever seen Frankenstein…

01:12 AHAHAHAHA! WHAT WAS THAT?!?! THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.

01:15 Not a whole lot to say here…just let the magic happen, people. Just let it happen.

01:18 Man, people love using live feeds to piss their opponents off in this movie. Also, I just realized that the random dude with the headband is T. Hawk. Wow.

01:19 AMERICA.

01:22 Oh God, I can taste how incredibly wonderful this fight is. It’s sweet and rich, like a Cadburry Cream Egg.

01:26 And this one tastes like Snozberries! They’ve literally fit almost every iconic move and stage background in this thing.

01:31 Even if the first hour and twenty minutes of this movie were fuck-awful, this climax and the ending fight scenes more than make up for it. So very, very glorious.

01:35 OH GOD THAT FINAL SHOT. INCREDIBLE. And, of course, a final goodbye to the great Raul Julia, as this was the last film he ever worked on before his death. A fitting end to a great actor’s career.

God damn, this entire movie is spectacular. Funny, referential, and, indeed, gets every character into their costume by the end of the film (minus Chun-Li and Cammy). The only thing it didn’t have was…well, a fighting tournament. But I think we can forgive the film for that, since everything else about this movie is brilliant.

A++ The best videogame adaptation ever made.