RTS Review: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

RTS (Real-Time Suck) Movie Reviews look at the worst in videogame movies in real time. Watch the movie alongside Jon (taking note of the timestamps) so you can share his pain.

00:00 In my opinion the only proper Street Fighter movie is the one with Van Damm and Gomez Addams. I’m sure many others share this opinion as Street Fighter: The Movie was not only in a so-bad-its-good league all its own, it was one of the few movies that actually fit the cannon of the games themselves. Who can forget the memorable shot at the end with every character in their actual outfits?

Apparently the studios felt the need to wait a few years before giving us another awesomely-awful SF movie. That’s why 15 years later we get this…thing, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, dumped into theaters. Let’s see if it is terribly fantastic, or a furiously-kicking tragedy.

00:01 I don’t know about you, but I think it’d suck to live that close to any bridge.

00:04 This voice over sounds like it was written by a sad 12-year-old Asian girl.

00:05 Thank God he said the character’s name! Also, why doesn’t Balrog just use his Green Mile breath to kill this guy?

00:06 Wow, a lame hadoken reference this early? Shit. They’re knocking out the big game references a bit soon.

00:08 WHY IN GOD’S NAME IS BISON IRISH. Is Shadaloo in the mighty green hills of Kilkenny now?

00:09 And the camera pans up to show she’s playing the piano with her feet.

00:11 Ooo, $5 says this scene turns Black Swan real quick.

00:13 You’ll take the high road and I’ll take the low road and I’ll get to Shadalau before ya.

00:14 Umm…ok, awesome Vega just might redeem this movie. I hope he’s not played by a member of a band that should be hanged for their crimes against music!

00:16 Wow, Chris Klein. You were in Election, man. How can you be this shitty of an actor.

00:18 Great work, everyone! Your acting is worse than an all death-row production of Mama Mia.

00:21 Ok, Chin-Li has said “shi-shi” like 8 times and it’s never meant the same thing. Am I really racist or is her dialect that bad?

00:23 Hey Chris, save your shitty poetry for Thursday nights at the coffee shop. You won’t get any applause there either, but maybe they’ll understand your nonsense better.

00:25 Chun-Li = Batman. Apparently.

00:28 The only thing this movie has taught me is that if you look homeless and desperate in Bangkok, you get free spring rolls.

00:30 Fucking noobs, don’t even know how to parry.

00:31 Amazing: Robin Shou just loves acting in game films, even if he has no right being the characters he portrays.

00:34 Gen: The Lamest Firebender.

00:35 Computers in Thiland can only log onto Geocities. And we thought Egypt’s internet situation was dire.

00:37 Didn’t Chris have a Southern drawl like, 15 minutes ago? Pick an accent and stick with it, Oz.

00:39 Oh there it is.

00:42 The best training segments are the ones that could possibly end in horrible facial lacerations.

00:45 Is the new action movie archetype the frigid bitch lesbian sidekick? Also, double or nothing that this is the Black Swan scene.

00:48 And now Cut and Paste Hip-Hop Group with “Generic Rap About Movie, Using Name Of Movie”.

00:53 Bison has an Irish accent because his parents, who were Irish, left him in Thiland when he was just born. That sounds like a rationalization Karl Pilkington would make.

00:54 WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

00:55 WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

00:56 THAT WAS FUCKING MESSED UP.

00:58 The only thing that can kill a shoto: a missile launcher.

01:01 Ladies and gentlemen, Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas. For no goddamn reason. Thank God they didn’t let him talk with his own voice.

01:04 So are we to believe there’s a Leia/Vader situation going on here? Or has this movie drained any semblance of rationalization out of me?

01:07 You chose a milk joke over an Irish cream pun? For shame, MacBison. For shame.

01:11 Of course he is. They couldn’t let one of their many horribly off-the-mark game reference die off.

01:15 Since nothing interesting is going on, I’m making a prediction. The White Rose is a super-advanced robot vacuum cleaner named Akuma. With his purple-gi wearing sidekick Blanka. Just so they can stay as close to the actual SF story as they are.

01:19 At least Balrog doesn’t kick.

01:20 Oh good, Liu Kang got to do another fatality.

01:23 Chris Klein will kill whomever he has to to destroy Bison’s horcrux.

01:25 The good guys just kidnapped an innocent girl. Nice to be able to easily tell the villains from the heroes.

01:26 Oh good, Chun-Li’s back. I was wondering where she was in a movie named after her.

01:27 Oh come on, put down the bamboo. This isn’t Soul Calibur.

01:30 Nice work indeed. And stop sucking Chris Klein.

01:33 HEY. HEY GUYS. THIS MOVIE’S STILL ABOUT STREET FIGHTER! SEE! SEE! What a shit way to end a shit movie. This is yet another lesson in what not to do with videogame properties. Never make references to the game simply by naming your characters after game characters. If you’re going for a realistic feel, don’t shoehorn in hand fireballs for fun. And finally, never, ever end your movie with a rap that sounds like it was composed by Shaq Diesel.

D+. You spelled it Shadaloo and still pronounced it wrong. Wow.