Real Time Suck Review: Postal

00:00 I’ve had the good fortune to go through life without seeing more than one Uwe Boll film. I’ve forced myself to sit through Bloodrayne (which wasn’t that bad of an experience) but that’s all the exposure to his shit oeuvre I’ve had. So I guess it’s time to bring out another one of Uwe’s game films and see if it drives me to never watch a videogame movie adaptation again. I hope I don’t go insane while doing this week’s RTS Review for Postal.

00:02 Oh Lord, we start out with a Seinfeld-like convo between airplane hijackers about the number of virgins they’ll get in the afterlife. Classy.

00:03 Apparently we got the 9/11 hijackers all wrong! Right before they crashed into the towers they just wanted to go to the Bahamas! HILARIOUS.

00:07 Oh great, I’d rather watch Pink Flamingos anyw…oh, wait, it’s still Postal. Shit.

00:06 Where in the South are you gonna see a guy disproving the NASA missions on a street corner without getting lynched?

00:08 Uwe Boll: Islam’s biggest troll since 2005.

00:12 It’s like The Office, if it was about a nameless factory and written by a slow seven-year-old.

00:15 Thank you, Uwe, for tainting the image of one of my favorite Kids In The Hall members. Also thanks for the dick.

00:19 What in God’s name is wrong with Mr. Boll? AND HOW IS THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT A VIDEOGAME?!?!?

00:22 This movie is slow fucking death, Uncle Dave.

00:25 Ok, I can understand if Boll is trying to make a statement about violence in this country or whatever, but it would be nice if it made any sense/was entertaining in any way.

00:27 John Waters’ mustache just angrily twitched.

00:29 lol osama is rly amurican and making videos in backroom of a convenence store! brilliunt!!!! this film am making me dumbs alredy.

00:35 If you’ve made it this far into the movie, I feel bad for you. This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. So I guess it does accurately represent the game it’s based off of.

00:39 I honestly don’t know what else to say. I’ve sat through some horrible movies before, but this is by far the worst one I’ve ever seen. The story is nonsensical, the acting is sub-par by kindergarten living Nativity scene standards, and it’s offensive to as many people as Uwe Boll can think up to offend without saying anything funny or meaningful. I’m sorry to say this, but I refuse to watch another fucking second of this garbage. If you haven’t taken the opportunity to stop the movie, please do so now. If you wish to continue, may God have mercy on your soul.

F- – - -. Not fit for consumption. May cause cancer.