Real-Time Suck Review: Christmas Comes to Pac-Land

00:00 This is a thing? I can’t believe I let Jon talk me into this. Too much eggnog.

00:20 Santa’s sleigh is decked (get it?) with a primitive GPS. I knew he was all smoke and mirrors.

00:23 Wait, that thing is a computer? Santa’s keeping his naughty/nice list on computer now?

00:33 This is a Hanna/Barbera production. I think that says everything I need to know…must I keep watching?

00:45 Oh, that’s cute. Pac-Man has a pellet for a mailbox. I’m surprised he hasn’t eaten it and died yet.

00:52 Pac-Man is turning Christmas into something horrific by making evil snow ghosts.

00:53 Also, apparently Pac-Man has eyebrows. I don’t really want to know the ramifications of this.

00:56 “Your very own snow ghost monsters to practice chomping on”? Wait, so Pac-Man is a game about cannibalism?

00:57 No, seriously, have I been looking at Pac-Man the wrong way all these years? Should I actually be cheering for the ghosts, hoping they escape?

01:01 A snow Pac-Man just came out of nowhere and started chasing the snow ghosts. This makes no sense.

01:03 And now the snow Pac-Man is chasing the real Pac-Man. Does the Pac race not differentiate between ghosts and its own kind? One more tick in the pro-”cannibalism interpretation” column.

01:09 The snow Pac-Man was being controlled by Pac-Baby. Pac-Man’s spawn is a homicidal infant hellbent on killing and possibly eating his parents. Sixteen years before Family Guy. Put another check mark in the column.

01:10 Now that I’m presented with evidence of its actuality, how exactly did Pac-Man and Mrs. Pac-Man manage to reproduce?

01:11 And for that matter, why do they have appendages like arms and legs?

01:16 Pac-Man just called his kid “a chomp off the old block”. I’m guessing this isn’t the last stupid chomping pun I’m going to be subjected to. This will be a long twenty minutes.

01:29 Seriously? There’s a Pac-Cat and a Pac-Dog, too? That’s kind of creeping me out.

02:06 The ghosts want to “chomp” Pac-Man. Is that even possible?

02:10 I need to get my mind out of the gutter right now.

02:30 Pac-Man has a magic toboggan that has a speed other than “downhill gravity”. I want one.

02:36 The ghosts travel around like The Human Centipede. Except for the female ghost, because she’s smart enough to stay in back and away from her male cohorts.

02:37 I just referenced Pac-Man and The Human Centipede in the same article. I feel dirty.

03:02 I’m pretty sure those Emergency Power Pellet booths were never in the game. They should have been.

03:19 Snowballs should not be able to hit ghosts. They’re GHOSTS.

03:54 Warning: imminent ghost up-skirt shot.

04:10 HOLY CRAP. Pac-Man just chomped the ghosts! All that’s left are the eyeballs! That’s fine in a pixellated videogame, but in clearer animation, it’s horrifying!

05:12 Actual plot: Floating ghost eyes freak out Santa’s reindeer, causing them to buck the bag of toys off of the sleigh. Riveting.

05:30 Pac-Land has police officers? Why? I just assumed it was some sort of vigilante world of Pac-Man versus the ghosts. Are there Pac-Criminals?

05:56 The ghost eyes are still there?! And talking? This special is seriously freaking me out.

06:07 Oh Jesus, this is one of those “What is Christmas? I’ve never heard of it before!” specials. UGH.

07:26 Pac-Man is clearly living outside of his means. He has a house that can easily fit eight reindeer, five Pac-people, and a human being. In the same room.

08:00 I always felt kind of uncomfortable with these “Tell me what Christmas is, we have nothing like that here!” specials. It always felt like a thinly-veiled religious conversion campaign.

08:36 Mrs. Pac-Man: “…and I’ll have your reindeer purring by the time it’s ready!” Moving on.

08:58 What’s with these weird Pac-Man shaped film cuts all of a sudden? Yeah, I get that you want to fit in another Pac-Man chomp, but it’s just weird.

09:17 Ghost…suit? They’re all just wearing costumes?

09:45 The ghosts’ master plan is to tie up Pac-Man, cover him in chocolate sauce, and “chomp all over him”. This is some Rule 34 shit.

09:52 The ghosts can apparently chomp one another to death, too. Another tick in the cannibalism column, methinks.

10:27 Well, now, wait a minute. If Christmas is so foreign to Pac-Land, why do all the ghosts know Christmas carols?

11:00 Apparently all you need to do to win a game of Pac-Man is throw a toy train at the ghosts and they’ll be distracted for hours.

11:23 The Pac-Dog is super annoying, by the way. The sounds it makes are grating on the ears.

12:42 This has officially turned into an episode of Scooby Doo.

14:12 You’re not dying, you drama queen. Just get off your Pac-ass and start walking.

16:31 Irish Pac-Cop: “I guess he never found Santa’s sack”. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

17:40 They are ghosts and you are in a car. Just drive THROUGH them.

18:15 Next time I’m playing Pac-Man I’m just going to ask the ghosts not to chomp me. BECAUSE IT WORKED HERE. Of course!

18:40 Blah blah blah Christmas is awesome, yeah, let’s move on. I’m getting the feeling you’re turning the ghosts into good guys here.

18:55 Pac-Man just made the ghosts cry. What an asshole.

19:40 I just realized that Pac-Man’s car makes the same sound effects as the car from The Jetsons.

20:02 Power pellets literally grow on trees? Then why the fuck is Pac-Man always in dark alleyways trying to get them while being chased by ghosts?

20:19 I really hope power pellets have the same effect on reindeer as they do Pac-people (at what point did the pellets become like spinach for Popeye, anyway?), otherwise you have some dead reindeer and a pissed-off Santa on your hands.

22:30 Requisite happy ending. Presents for the ghosts. Aww.

C. As far as holiday specials go, it’s really not terrible — the themes of generosity and empathy aren’t shoved down your throat the way they are in many specials — and at least it’s watchable, if incredibly cheap.

Also, the special has made me reconsider Pac-Man, as you’ve guessed, and I find I long for the nostalgic, ignorant days of my Pac-Man youth, when I wasn’t aware of the complex psychological issues behind a simple game.