Real-Time Suck Review: The 2010 VGAs

I used a TV-rip of the VGAs found on the Internet. It’s not particularly hard to find; my video file had a run time of 1:27:37 to those who want to follow along at home.

00:00 All right. Time to see which companies paid the most to be represented at the ceremony tonight.

00:01 Because when I think Spike TV, I think fabulous opening musical number.

00:02 Here’s the list of random celebrities we managed to drag in this year.

00:03 Insert blatant paid Kinect advertisement into monologue…now.

00:04 So instead of taking the time to ensure their retail games work, companies spent six months creating this bullshit “augmented reality” to air on a cable TV awards show?

00:06 Apparently the VGAs have turned into a one-man off-Broadway show.

00:07 Maria Menounos, wearing a slave collar as a necklace, is apparently desperately trying to regain her former status as geek masturbatory object.

00:10 Olivia Munn, wearing a modern version of my grandmother’s old tennis dress, prays her breasts don’t fly out at any moment. The cameraman apparently has other ideas.

00:12 BioWare wins Studio of the Year. According to the VGAs, Mass Effect 2 is the only game BioWare put out this year, or ever. And what the fuck is the award, anyway? It looks like a blue monkey with a crown on top.

00:13 NO. OH JESUS NO. NOT DANE COOK.

00:14 Dane Cook has been using MSPaint to fashion pictures of himself next to video game characters. I’m sure he has some hardcore smutfic he’d like you to read, too.

00:15 What, your “augmented reality” computers couldn’t compare to a fog machine?

00:16 For some reason, I feel like handing all my money over to various cults now.

00:16 Given how buggy Fallout: New Vegas was, I think maybe pinning down an exact date here is kind of a cocky douchebag move.

00:18 Ah. Combining videogames and porn. There’s the Spike TV I know. It’s cute that “gamer” Neil Patrick Harris doesn’t know that porno videogames were once a thing.

00:19 Mortal Kombat is getting desperate, I see.

00:19 GODDAMMIT, DANE COOK, GO AWAY.

00:20 Utilizing naked and orgasmically-moaning girls in hopes that you’ll win a fake award that really doesn’t mean anything? Classy.

00:21 She could not have sounded more disinterested in this whole thing if she’d tried.

00:24 Hey, wow, a game that came out less than a month before the VGAs (Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood) just won Action Adventure Game of the Year.

00:25 Denise Richards introducing the theme song from “Grand Treesmo 5”. I fucking hate this show.

00:30 That shirt is supposed to look like it says “Dirty Hairy Cunt”, right? It’s not just me?

00:31 …DLC?

00:33 Oh, hey, look, another trailer for a sequel game!

00:34 The VGAs: Sponsored by the US Army. Get your sniping ass out of the hallway and let’s see how long you can last in the real world, son.

00:36 OMG U GUIZE COD BLOPS JUST WON BEST SHOOTER LOL NO WAI

00:39 “Red ringing 3 Xbox’s watching every cut of Metal Gear Solid 4”? Tuck in your tits and go home, Olivia Munn, you clearly know dick about gaming. I don’t care that you pretended to be a videogame journalist for five years.

00:39 Okay, maybe those were two separate thoughts. I’d like to think they weren’t. No matter: go away.

00:42 Explain to me how John Marston failed to shoot Dane Cook dead.

00:44 …FingerCam? Thanks?

00:46 Between the super cheap set pieces and the bullshit “augmented reality” making a return, this is the stupidest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

00:47 I give up. I’m not getting rid of you, Dane Cook, am I?

00:48 Because fuck you, human females!

00:50 “Eh, let’s just give him the voiceover award. He’s already here and hosting”.

00:53 That they all suck and yet you keep making them?

00:55 Angry Birds Live: Also known as the best part of this whole damn show.

00:56 Two chicks talking about jewelry. Spike TV!

00:58 Jesus. You actually called it “Insane”? NEVER name something a word that critics can easily spin into a pun-laden insult. Also, “Coming 2013”? Why the fuck are you even bothering to tell us about it now?

00:59 Oh, nice. You lowered yourself to have a “Best Independent Game” Award but I guess time was too short to actually show clips of the nominated games. It must be hard in between all of the Black Ops footage.

1:01 Gates vs. Jobs?

1:01 “Most Anticipated Game”? And if you win you get to…show a trailer? AWESOME!

1:02 Okay, you got me here. Mocking the “In Memoriam” clip shows by using videogame characters is actually kind of fun.

1:03 “Beatrice: 1173-1191 AD – Wife, Who cares she’s naked”? I’d like to point out that the accompanying clip is her being skewered by a spear. Didn’t know Spike TV had a particularly high guro demographic.

1:04 A commercial bumper showing awards given to games who couldn’t afford the price of admission. Integrity!

1:09 Michael Chiklis helps Maria Menounos flash the nation. Teenage boys everywhere rejoice(?).

1:12 I didn’t think I could hate TMZ more. I can now.

1:14 Thank you, Nathan Fillion, for being the first celebrity presenter to actually know what they’re talking about. It’s just too bad that “technical difficulties” aren’t outside the realm of “augmented reality”.

1:17 YOU ARE A GROWN MAN. AND THAT IS NOT COMEDY.

1:17 I love you, Neil Patrick Harris, but instead of all these stupid videogame porn titles you’re listing, we could be giving out more awards – you know, in the categories that Black Ops, Halo: Reach and God of War III don’t fall under? To maybe give the illusion that this is in fact a diversified awards show?

1:18 I’m a girl! Because I apparently lack the ability to read and possess a one-track mind, I thought “SSX” was called “SEX”! How charmingly hilarious!

1:19 WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. Is this snowboarding, or Call of Duty on ice?

1:21 Eliza Dushku’s found the perfect balance here: hot, but not desperate or whorish. She will not be invited back next year.

1:22 UNCHARTED 3 UNCHARTED 3 UNCHARTED 3

1:24 SUCK IT, BLACK OPS.

D. Should be retitled “Videogame Trailers With Some Awards Thrown In”. Neil Patrick Harris makes it watchable, barely. Oh, and the live musical performance of Red Dead Redemption was actually pretty neat to listen to. So maybe D+.

Tune in next week, when Jon and I will present a special Christmas edition of RTS.