RTS Movie Review: BloodRayne

RTS Movie Reviews look at the worst in videogame movies in real time. Watch the movie alongside Jon (taking note of the timestamps) so you can share his pain.

00:00 I haven’t done one of these things in a while, so I decided to come back on a low note. Bloodrayne is widely regarded as one of the worst Uwe Boll movies, making it one of the worst videogame movies ever. What a great starting point for a movie review series dedicated to sucking. Welcome to this edition of Real Time Suck Movie Reviews. Now, for your viewing displeasure, BloodRayne.

00:01 The credits open with a bang: Gothic art depicting vamps and other unholy things. Oh, and there’s blood. Jesus, the list of actors actually makes me want to get behind this. Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Billy Zane, AND Udo Kier?!? Wait…I actually have no idea who the fuck Udo Kier is.

00:04 Mr. Blonde, Some Dude, and Ana Lucia walk into a Medieval bar…wait, that sounds like the set-up to a really strange joke. Some Dude just killed a vamp in said bar, and no one apparently gives a shit.

00:06 Rayne first appears as a sideshow freak. After being cut up and burned with water (?), a little fresh lamb’s blood pick-me-up Wolverines her wounds back to normal. And that’s the extent of her act. I’d be one pissed peasant if I paid four shillings to see that nonsense.

00:08 Our first shot of Grand Master Vampire Ghandi. Some cross-eyed assistant tells him he’s seen Rayne, which sends Kingsley into some strange acid flashback. Probably from taking too many drugs in The Wackness. And the hunt begins.

00:10 Rayne falls off the wagon when she stops a would-be rapist from raping and tastes some of his fruit punch. Rather than sink into a depression like most addicts, though, she goes on a rampage through the circus, spraying fruit punch everywhere. It’s like watching the Kool-Aid Man’s nightmares.

00:12 The Mod Squad makes it to the circus and proceeds to cut all of the dead people’s heads while the bearded lady creepily watches. I’m so bored at this point I just realized Some Dude is the shitty boyfriend from Legally Blonde. Let it not be said that Boll aims low when looking for actors.

00:13 Rayne gets her trademark bladess from a dear, sweet old friend (in the shitty flashback Uwe-Vision), who she proceeds to bite then leave for dead. With friends like these…

00:16 Billy Zane needs to do more voicework A) because he’s got some great pipes, and B) so that he never acts again.

00:18 Rayne stops some vamps from killing some settlers, decides that’s all she wants to do from now on, then joins said settlers on their journey. *SPOLIER WARNING* Rayne can’t ford the river and everyone gets dysentery.

00:19 Our leading lady kills a lesbian vampire whore, whose body gets ransacked by poor people. It’s like Detroit if Gary Gygax was mayor.

00:22 Rayne follows a mind-reading gypsy into a backroom where she’s mildly perturbed to find out that she’s half-vamp, half-human thanks to The Rabbi boning her mom. The gypsy sends her on a quest for an eye talisman and 20 gold (or something). She apparently needs to ping more before facing Itzhak Stern.

00:24 The last 2 minutes were nothing but the exact same throne room scene from earlier and a tourism video for Ireland. Ireland: We’ve Got Horses And A Lot Of Fucking Hills!

00:28 The quest leads Rayne to lie her way into a monastery with the talisman. Apparently monks used to be very accommodating to scantily-dressed harlots. Then Rayne fights a hammer-wielding pious ogre, survives a room of spinning blades, and retrieves the talisman. The choices were hers and hers alone.

00:31 The party host from Ace Ventura shows up and tells Rayne that the eye is part of a powerful vamp who’s heart and ribs are also talismans she has to find. Now shush, a fight scene’s about to happen.

00:36 Highlights: Rayne fighting listlessly, massive head wounds, more fruit punch than a 7th grader’s birthday party, a group of guys just stabbing a corpse for no reason, and some of the worst choreographed staff battling I’ve ever seen. And not a single Nazi in sight. What the fuck, Uwe?

00:37 What exactly was Ben Kingsley’s reaction to this script? “Wait, all I have to do is sit in a throne and pretend to rape and eat people? Get Uwe on the phone!”

00:40 Holy shit, that’s Meat Loaf at the head of some sort of vampire orgy. Talk about going nowhere slowly when you should be going nowhere fast. Also, vampire orgies are weird.

00:42 Mr. Blonde breaks some windows with a wrist-mounted crossbow, letting the sunlight burn Meat Loaf alive. That’ll teach him to act in any movies that aren’t Fight Club!

00:44 Brimstone Society! That was totally in the videogames! Sadly, the games had something this movie doesn’t; an ounce of fucking enjoyment.

00:50 Isn’t there supposed to be a sex scene somewhere? Seriously, there needs to be some fucking going on soon or I might lapse into a boredom coma.

00:53 Hahaha, Kingsley forgot his wig, but they filmed him anyway! That’s what I like about Boll; he pisses in the eye of continuity.

00:55 Well…that…that was some sex. Unexplained, dirty, tit-slappy softcore intercourse. And this ain’t even the crappy Cinemax version of Bloodrayne.

00:57 Awkward dinner conversation; everyone can smell Rayne’s stank from across the room.

01:00 Jesus, I don’t know what’s worse, the LARP practice or the wooden acting.

01:01 THE PHANTOM AND TITANIC SUCKED, YOU HACK. Sorry, I was hoping he could hear me.

01:04 Oh, great, the obligatory “suit up before the big fight finale” scene. Holy water, new swords, and, fuck it, some grenades too. They’re from China, because of course they are.

01:08 I’m shocked to learn the shifty-looking Spanish chick was a shifty Spanish chick. And that Some Guy will give up his prized necklace to any whore that lets him go to Funky Town. Seriously, why did these two bang?

01:09 SIR, I APOLOGISE FOR TALKING SO GODDAMNED LOUDLY FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

01:12 Wow, a poorly done underwater fight scene for another stupid talisman. Wish I could get out of this movie as painlessly as Anna Lucia did. Now on we ride for Kingsley’s Castle!

01:15 And this year’s Best Stealthy Entrance goes to… Some Dude and Blondie! Way to use those ‘nades, fellas.

01:18 Holy shit, you can just hear the pain and sadness in Kingsley’s voice. Even he knows how worthless this film is.

01:20 “Oh, damn, some dudes are trying to stop the ceremony! Quick, stop the ceremony!” Now for another fight scene.

01:25 The highlights: Kingsley’s only good line, the worst CGI ever, and everyone but Rayne dying. Yep, that’s it. I’m not so much upset that this movie’s awful as I am completely bored with the entire proceedings.

01:26 Now all this bitch needs is a glass of drugged milk.

01:28 Oh no, do we have to watch the whole movie again in slo-mo? I didn’t even want to see it the first time around. Either that or Boll wants us to see how all the movie’s effects could’ve been reproduced by a 7-year-old autistic child. I’m still bewildered that they made a sequel to this and another’s already in production. Suck a big one, Hollywood.