This Year’s Porn Convention Was The Best Yet

E3 has long been my favourite porn convention. Others might cite the AVN awards as the primo space to meet and greet the hottest pornographic actresses. Sure it has the big names but in my opinion, the sneakily codenamed Electronic Entertainment Expo has the sexiest and classiest attendants. The only difference this year was the scope of pornography on offer. Thanks to the 24-hour rolling news coverage provided by so many blogs, I’ve been in an erotic nirvana for the past week.

Now I’ll get my criticisms out of the way right here, there’s still a bit too much talk about nerd shit like videogames or whatever. I get that this is the cover for the real purpose — gathering hundreds of scantily clad women in one place — but personally I think we could get away with being more overt. There’s no law against women showing off their cleavage and photographs of said cleavage being distributed online, so lets all just be a bit less coy. I’d also like the women in attendance to show slightly less conservative attitudes. Sure the outfits they wear are skimpy but as someone who takes a profound level of sexual gratification from humiliating and objectifying women, I’d like them to be skimpier. I’m willing to compromise as far as full frontal nudity is concerned but it’s 2010 for heaven’s sake, we can get away with a nipple or two.

Now that I’m done with the negatives, it’s time to offer some commendations. This year there were three sites that really stood out. Their efforts to mask their secret pornographic agenda were deeply impressive. Some went as far as conducting fake interviews with random Japanese people and dancing around to distract anyone who might be watching. Of course, you aren’t interesting in the techniques, you wanna see the results. Believe me, they’re pretty stunning.

First on the podium has to be CVG. 64 images of barely-clothed ladies is nothing to sneeze at. Though it may be something to expel another bodily fluid towards, ifyaknowwhatimean. There’s a strong focus on my specific fetishes; Japanese women and fake tits, which resonated with me on a very personal level. This is the kind of article that cuts through all the dorky bullshit to bring readers what they really want, shots of cleavage. And asses.

An extremely narrow second place goes to the Destructoid team. Though they certainly had the quantity, in my opinion CVG had the quality. Still, it’s a fantastic contribution and if I could award a hybrid gold/silver medal, I would. Their work really got my blood pumping, my pores sweating and my wrist jerking frantically. If CVG are the U2 of soft-porn, Destructoid are The Pixies. They might not get quite the same level of exposure but it’s raw, it’s real and it touched me in a very special place. I’m talking about my penis.

Third place goes to the avant-garde contribution of GamesRadar. Some of these pics are a bit wilder and a bit wackier than those provided by the competition. There’s some freaky costumes in there but I know that some of you guys are looking for just that type of content. I’ll hold my hands up, just for a moment though, and admit that this isn’t my sort of thing. Nevertheless, it’s groundbreaking, innovative stuff and I could certainly see them climb the podium at future expos. Speaking of climbing podiums, I like sex. With girls. Boobs.

Those are my top picks but this is Web 2.0 people, feel free to chime in with your personal faves. The world’s a great big melting pot and I’m open to any suggestions from my loyal audience. Is there anyone out there that you feel deserves a round of sticky, smelly applause? If there’s anyone you feel I missed, send me a link and after 10 minutes of quiet contemplation and the brief employment of a wetwipe, I’ll get back to you.

Image: Mediaspin