E3 10: A Troll’s Eye View On The Microsoft Press Conference

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s measured and balanced commentary. In that spirit I thought I’d bring my own angry, spiteful, embittered opinions to bear on Microsoft’s yearly infomercial. I’ll be following up with an equally dispiriting burst of rage at Sony and Nintendo once their coked up drones have taken the stage and talked at us about their plans for world domination. For now, I’ll stick with Microsoft.

Microsoft’s press conference got off to a flying start as they announced the re-release of three of their greatest hits. Yes ladies and gentlemen, or just gentlemen if we’re being honest about Microsoft’s core demographic, the holy triumvirate of Fable, Gears and Halo will be assaulting audiences over the coming months. Finding out that Microsoft would be bringing me the same old shit with added tits and particle effects was a truly revelatory experience. Just to show that they didn’t forget about the huge wad of cash they stuffed down Kojima’s throat, they showed off a re-skinned version of Devil May Cry starring everyone’s least favourite Metal Gear Solid character.  We can only hope they’ll bless us with a dating sim starring Otacon to make sure that the Metal Gear brand is as diluted as humanly possible.

Once the cursory glance at actual videogames was over, MS moved swiftly on to ramming their motion control add-on down our throats. Kinect will detect movement, voice commands and the sound of 10 million wal-mart customers saying, “hmmmm, kinda pricey, maybe we should just stick with the Wii”. Words like “nauseating” and “repugnant” swirled around my mind as a cavalcade of multi-ethnic douchebags frantically waved their arms in front of the audience. By far the most vomit inducing scene came during the Kinetanimals demonstration. I could live with watching a kid pet a virtual tiger. Watching her giggle as the virtual tiger pretended to lick her had me reaching for a bucket. That isn’t child-like joy you’re witnessing, that’s stage school and the unfulfilled dreams of her dangerously demanding parents. I’d feel sorry for her if I didn’t think she earned more money from that sickening display than I do from a year’s hard work.

Other delights included a dumbed down version of Forza 3 that, for the first time, allows players to simulate overtaking a family hatchback on a motorway in a Ferrari. Finally we can all know what it’s like to be an asshole executive. Sources have revealed to me that a coke-snorting minigame will be included free of charge. Harass your underpaid and uninterested secretary this fall, exclusively on Xbox 360.

Once the barrage of bouncing, grinning, pod people had come to an end MS brought out the big guns. For the first time they showed off a slightly revised version of their current console. It may have taken them close to five years but they’ve now reached feature parity with every other console and handheld of this generation by including wireless connectivity. Not wanting to rest on those laurels, they also revealed that they won’t be ripping off consumers by raising the price of their console. In emulation of the most successful console in gaming history, the Sega Saturn, they promised that it would be in stores by the end of the week.

Then, just to top everything off, they bribed the attendant games press with a free console live on air. They may not have an original idea to their name but God dammit, Microsoft have some balls. Never has the childish M$ nickname been so deserved.  Watching the gaping idiots whoop and holler at the thought of free shit filled me with joy. Occasionally I wonder if I have all the necessary skills to be a professional games writer. Turns out a complete lack of any dignity or professional ethics will get you pretty far in this industry.

Image: Wikimedia