Some of my friends are real potty-mouths.

‘œYou’re a cunt! You’re a fucking useless cunt.’

‘œAs a matter of fact I am, though usually it’s an ex or a current wife that gives me that kind of feedback.  What’s up your arse you whiny bitch?’

‘œYou told me that when my PS3′s disc drive failed and I had no cash that I should try Counter-Strike?’

‘œYeah seeing as you like shooters, it’s cheap as borsht, and it’s still a butt-load of fun I thought that you’d like it.  Excuse me for caring enough to recommend the very best.’

‘œWell it’s complete ass, I couldn’t even get into a game for like an hour, and when I did it was a succession of ‘˜BOOM HEADSHOT-BOOM HEADSHOT-BOOM HEADSHOT!’ And what the fuck is with all the clucking? Why am I the chicken?…I AM NOT THE CHICKEN!’

‘œYou are really worked up over this. Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t brief you better, but I thought you’d just figure it out on your own.  Frankly I can’t believe you’ve never played Counter-Strike before.  Why don’t you accept my Steam friend request and I’ll get you into a couple of servers I’ve played on.’

‘œSeriously, you think this game is comparable to CoD4, World at War, or Modern Warfare 2? Are you fucking stupid? I thought you played a lot of videogames man?’

‘œWell, first off, you’re a loser for only playing three games…’

‘œScrew you, I play NHL 09 and Madden as well.’

‘œSports games don’t count and stop interrupting me dickhead.  Anyhoo, you have such tunnel vision around this.  I’m not some douche pc elitist here, I love my consoles for many reasons and yeah the convenience and ease of interface is a big part of why, but there are amazing PC games that are a fraction of the cost of console games that give comparable and in some ways superior experiences. Hell, many of the maps I love in Counter-Strike were probably created by a handful of guys in their basements doing this for free.’

‘œThat’s horseshit, why would anyone do this for free?’

‘œBecause they’re insane, because they believe that videogames are a culture, because they believe that being part of this kind of community requires a commitment to contributing to said community, or maybe because Valve has a history of hiring people from the community whose work they respect?’

‘œYou realize that you’re climbing all up inside your ass don’t you? Now don’t paint Counter-Strike or PC gaming as some kind of land of beauty, purity and love. Those are some messed up motherfuckers in there. Did I tell you that instead of tea-bagging me, some German sounding guy spray painted a picture of a tea bag on the wall near where my blood was splattered? How do you even fucking do that? And then he fucking laughed at me, I mean really laughed at me.’

‘œYes, laughter in any language is still laughter.’

‘œFuck you. Now, I thought you said something about a Simpsons’ level? Where the fuck is that?! I can’t load up the levels I want, and why do I always get the Glock when everyone else has assault weapons?’

‘œWell first off it’s not a level it’s a map and it’s called gg Simpsons Street and you should look over the available servers to see if there is a map that catches your fancy.  Look, I know there aren’t the same bells and whistles with Counter-Strike as there are with CoD or MAG, but when you get right down to it, it is everything that most shooters aspire to be and a bit more when you consider the content from the community. Frankly if your computer can handle it on low settings even, you’re probably going to get more value in the long run than you would ever get in a console game.’

‘œPhil?’

‘œYeah?’

‘œYou’re getting a little up your own ass again. I can only see your toes sticking out of your hole now.’

‘œOh, sorry. About that Glock only situation, so your finger never even accidentally bumped into the B key?’

‘œWhat does that even mean? Does that have anything to with dollar amounts that appear in the HUD?’

‘œTell you what I’ll help you out. Here’s a pro-tip, if you see a hostage, shoot him in the head.  You’ll get bonus points and the other guys will totally think you’re cool.’