Adventures in Middle-Aged Gaming: Attack of The Tit-Zealots

A lot is made in the media about the rudeness and general social-ineptness of gamers. According to many outlets, the average gamer is nerdy, coarse, and contributes daily to the downfall of all that is good and right in the universe. As you may guessed, I have a different view.

Some of you know that I’m currently on parental leave looking after my five month old son. Even though cleaning diapers and catering to a shrimpy being that is as reasonable and logical as a badger on weed is just as rewarding as one would think, I’m finding that some time out in public helps with maintaining my sanity. Now I don’t know about where you all live, but in my neck of the woods, my coffee shop is offering up free Wifi. Needless to say, that’s where I’m spending some quality time when the spawn’s schedule permits it. A nice large dark roast of coffee, a somewhat reliable laptop, and a sleeping baby make for a decent couple of hours every now and then. I should have known that it was too good to last.

My coffee shop is just off the highway and has a drive-thru so not many people actually come inside; they get theirs to-go and I usually don’t have to endure the snivelling nonsense normally associated with going to a nicer cafe. Until THEY arrived. THEY are a trio of stay-at-home moms who also recently discovered the joys of free Wifi, espresso, and big comfy chairs. I don’t know their names but I’ll refer to them as Blonde 1, Blonde 2, and The Trampy One. The Trampy One wears miniskirts all the time…and shouldn’t.

The problems arose immediately when they realized that a man was in the shop with an infant. If I had been alone they probably wouldn’t have bothered with me. As it is, some women seem to feel that the presence of a baby in their vicinity means that they must become wholly absorbed in the brat’s existence and that they have to ask all kinds of questions. “How old, what was his his birthweight, how was the labour, did you have a midwife/birthcoach/gimp of somesuch?” are just some of the questions. Trust me there were more. Seeing as I was raised a good Catholic boy, and am employed as a social service worker I have a annoying predilection to be initially polite to people even when I want to be left alone. This frequently gets me into trouble as I can get grumpy when pushed. I assume that if I am polite to people they will be polite back and will fuck off when the niceties have been exchanged.

So, I answered their questions and they oooh-ed and ahhhh-ed at the right spots and commented on how handsome the baby was. Actually he looked kind of rashy at the time and his head is a bit misshapen if you ask me. But what do I know, I’m just the father. I knew my fate was sealed, and serenity was lost when Blonde 1 looked at my laptop and asked about NegativeGamer.com. All three of the women have kids who are gamers and they now see me as their game and general tech consultant.

“No, your nine year old should not play God of War 3.”
“If your daughter is texting P.A.W. that means, (p)arents (a)re (w)atching, so her other friends won’t text or message anything inappropriate, until you leave the room that is.”
“Why yes I believe that a game can be as absorbing and powerful as film, and maybe one day as a novel, but not yet.”

These are just some of the topics we have covered at the cafe. Usually, after they pick my brains for a bit, THEY leave me alone.

Last week though, they asked about Bayonetta. Blonde 2 usually brings her Macbook and hey guess what, it couldn’t connect to the network for some reason. So my trusty and cheap little Dell was used to show the ladies some gameplay from Bayonetta. I loaded up a gameplay video for the game, and THEY hovered around baby Michael and me. After the video they agreed that it was not a game for their sons. Then:
“Boy, remember when we had breasts like that?”
“I guess your wife would say the same thing? Beastfeeding is the bane of breasts eh?” (We are Canadian after all.)
“Actually we bottle-feed.” And then it began.
“Really?! Have you considered that your baby needs nutrients from the mother’s body to assist with the immune system and BLAH-BLAH-FUCKING-BLAH!” I really don’t need to go on any further, THEY were amazed that my wife and I were not breast-feeding the baby.

Back to the issue of the manners of gamers versus the rest of the populace: how many gamers would go off on a relative stranger about breasts like this? NONE! This was where I was starting to get frustrated; I never wanted to talk to these people in the first place. All I wanted was some quiet time out in society where I could write and surf and not be bothered. But nooooooo. Trampy and the Blondettes had crossed the line. They genuinely felt entitled to an explanation as to why the baby wasn’t being breast fed.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Look, you three are being really inappropriate.”
“What’s inappropriate is the way you’re ignoring your child’s health and welfare,” interrupted Blonde 1.
“OK enough. Why don’t you three tit-zealots move along and I’ll finish my coffee in peace, how about that?” Actually, baby Michael was stirring as our voices were raising slightly.
“…”
“What did you call us?”
“I called you tit-zealots. You are displaying a zealotry for not just your own tits, but for tits everywhere. And not tits in the fun way, tits that are engaged in providing nutrition to mouthy little brats. You are neither entitled to, nor are you going to get an explanation as to why my wife and I chose not to breast feed our baby!”

After some more arguing, the cafe manager became involved and eventually things calmed down. THEY don’t come to the cafe anymore and I wear headphones constantly, even if I’m not actually listening to anything. The odd time someone, usually a senior fucking citizen tries to engage me in conversation I gesture at my headphones and look apologetic.

But on a totally unrelated note, I think that I’m going to pick up Bayonetta…