I am of the belief that everyone in this world is born for something. Samuel Jackson was born to kill snakes and eat Royals with cheese. Clint Eastwood was born to make action movies until his 100th birthday. Grave Digger was born to make compact cars tremble in fear. And the PC was born to have keyboards, mice, and LEDs that light up and make all kinds of awesome colors. I mean seriously, have you seen when someone gets a G13 and the new Sidewinder together and they start flashing red and….my apologies, I digress. I’m here to celebrate the glory of Monster Truck Day the only way I know how: by being a PC elitist.

1. Both PC Gaming And Monster Trucks Just Look Cool

Think to yourself. When was the last time you looked at a monster truck and thought “No, that’s not cool enough for me to stop reading Twilight and sipping my Starbucks?” The answer: Never! Monster trucks have been known to turn the most adamant hipster into a metal carnage loving redneck. Likewise, when you walk buy some liquid cooled dual-GPU computer rendering beautiful DX11 tessellation you can’t help but stop and yell “Goddamn it’s like Grave Digger in silicon form!”

2. Monster Trucks Crush Cars, PCs Crush Pixels

Destruction has been a staple of human entertainment for centuries. The Mongols didn’t just level a captured city because The View got cancelled and they were pissed; they destroyed cities because it was fun. I like to think of monster trucks as modern day Mongols. They conquer all and make giant towers out of the skulls of slain junkyard cars. PC gaming is exactly like that.

I know you cant see it, but at the microscopic level of computing, tiny monster trucks carry 0s and 1s back and forth between all the different computer parts. I’ve used advanced rendering software to give you an idea of what computing looks like on the microscopic level.

3. Monster Trucks Have Big Engines, PCs Have Blue LEDs

I can’t emphasize this enough; the LEDs make the computer. In the underground we don’t judge by computing power. We judge by how many obnoxious blue, red, and green LEDs your rig is sporting. Monster Trucks are exactly like that. If a monster truck driver showed up with the engine from a Toyota Prius, everyone would laugh because he’s not making the most of his truck. When you roll up into the arena you need to make a big first impression. I need to know that every time you hit the gas pedal a hundred oil barrels are put out of their misery. Just like I need to know that when you hit the power switch on that case there had better be enough artificial light to illuminate the dark side of the moon.

4. Both PC Gaming and Monster Trucks Get The Ladies

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Me and Grave Digger go clubbing on weekends and we’re pretty much the biggest lady killers you’ve ever seen. He soothes them over with talk of giant tires and tubular chassis’ while I hit them up with my Counter Strike: Source stories and speculation about the failure of the Fermi series. It’s like the hammer and anvil attack plan that even Alexander the Great would have dreamed of. Being successful and confident is irrelevant when you have a huge monster truck or 5 gigs of GDDR5.

5. Both Monster Trucks And PC Gaming Are American

I’m sure most all of you, even the ones who aren’t American, have seen the painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware River. What you don’t see in the picture is that there is actually a Monster Truck under the boat. If you look even closer, you notice he has one of his legs raised. His foot is actually resting on top of a new gaming PC. “But Aaron, monster trucks and PC gaming didn’t exist in the time of George Washington!” Well if you’re so sure of that, then prove it. George Washington was a very resourceful man. If he wanted to play Crysis at 60 frames while crushing commuter cars, then dammit he would have.

In Conclusion…

There may be some of you who have no interest in PC gaming. I’m okay with that. (No I’m not.) We can all agree that monster trucks are awesome metallic doom bringers that bring families together to enjoy pointless destruction. And that’s the real point of Monster Truck Day. Take this time to enjoy yourself and your loved ones. Spread the word about Monster Truck Day! Perhaps you have a basement dwelling friend who hasn’t had a chance to enjoy the Deep South spectacle for himself. Go out and let the world know you love the sight of vehicular destruction and you’re proud of it. It’s also just like PC gaming.