Adventures in Middle-Aged Gaming: Introducing, DJ Zero

‘œMr. Doherty? The Doctor will see you now…Mr. Doherty??? Sir? SIR!?’

‘œOh, sorry. I guess I couldn’t hear you.’

‘œSir, we ask that all the Doctor’s patients refrain from using ear bud type headphones in the waiting room for this very reason. You almost missed your turn and might have had to wait even longer.’

‘œWell, seeing as I had to wait a month for this appointment, and then had to arrange baby-sitting for the entire day because the wait for the Doctor is usually at least three hours for every appointment, I’m pretty glad that you raised your voice. I don’t think that my injury could have waited any longer.’

‘œMr. Doherty, do you really think that sarcasm is helpful?’

‘œAbout as helpful as condescension.’

‘œThis way Mr. Doherty. You’re on the left, please take off your jacket and expose the injured area.’

‘œNurse?’

*Sigh* ‘œYes Mr. Doherty’

‘œHave a nice day, seriously.’

‘œThank you Mr. Doherty.’ And she left.

Normally I try to be somewhat respectful to medical professionals, but the wait for my Doctor is just ridiculous and to be honest I really don’t give a shit. The shrews that work at this clinic are a bunch of reformed crack whores and are as useless as Tiger Woods at a lesbian convention. Luckily, being belligerent but not aggressive often means that once I get to the actual examination room, my Doctor isn’t far behind as I think that they just want rid of me.

‘œMr. Doherty, sorry for the wait…what can I do for you today?’

‘œIt’s all right Doctor, your staff help make the time fly by. I seem to have torn something in my right tricep. It’s really painful and over the counter painkillers aren’t doing the trick. Could you take a look at it?’

‘œOf course.’ She said, and then proceeded to poke, bend and prod around my upper arm, lower arm, and then my shoulder. All of which was fucking painful. She had this somewhat pained smile on her face and frankly I couldn’t tell if she was being sympathetic or sadistically enjoying my suffering.

‘œWell, I don’t think there are any torn tendons, though there is some inflammation in your tricep and also in your forearm. Do you have any idea how this happened?’

“Nope.’

‘œI beg your pardon? You have no idea how this happened? That’s somewhat odd as this looks like a muscle strain. You must have some idea…’

‘œOkay, it was a videogame.’

‘œOh, were you playing with that Wii Sp-’ I cut her off.

‘œNo! I was not playing the goddamn Wii thank you very much.’

‘œHey, there’s no need for that type of reaction. What were you playing then?’

‘œIt’s not important.’

‘œMr. Doherty this is getting strange. I am not going to treat you until I have the entire picture of what happened here. Now what videogame were you playing?’

‘œDJ Hero.’

‘œHuh?’

‘œDJ Hero. Have you heard of Guitar Hero, or Rock Band?’ She nodded ‘ It’s like that only with hip-hop and rap music. Unlike the repetitive nonsense of those band games, it’s actually very creative and is one of the more interesting things to happen to the music genre since the first Guitar Hero came out. It’s really excellent.’

‘œMr. Doherty, how old are you?’ Before I could answer she consulted her file and then raised her eyebrows.

‘œVery well, I’m not going to send you for X-Rays as there is no indication of a fracture but could show me what you did to hurt yourself with this game?’

Feeling like an idiot, I then proceeded to mimic the actions of scratching. ‘œYou see the notes come down a modified highway that emulates a turntable and then you scratch…like so. I think it was the scratching that really did it to me. You see, I was trying the Jay Z Mixtape on Hard and there is a lot of scratching. Come to think of it, the Grandmaster Flash joints also had a lot of scratching. Maybe it was that set list? Bloody Wardrox, it’s his fault for recommending this stupid game to me.’

‘œWho is Wardrox?’

‘œYou know what doc, that’s an excellent question; who IS Wardrox? He’s a dude that owes me a fricking tricep that’s who.’ While I sat on the exam table air-scratching like a mothafucka and giggling at my inside joke I realized that the Doctor was handing me a prescription sheet and looking at me oddly.

‘œMr. Doherty, ice your tricep and your forearm three times daily. This prescription is for an anti-inflammatory. If the pain and swelling persist for another three weeks come back. Also, I think you should take a break from your videogame.’

‘œYou know doc, you really should try it. It’s a great game, and you might enjoy the music. It’s a pretty eclectic mix of older stuff and newer-’

‘œMr. Doherty, I have other patients to see.’

‘œOh, Okay…Doctor?’

‘œYes?’

‘œHave a nice day, seriously.’