Negative Gamer Review: Chris Unarmed (Xbox Live Indie Games)

After finishing my most recent review, I asked our humble British overlord Wardrox for a new game to review. After looking through the list, he asked me if I wanted to play a Mega Man-style platformer. Being a Blue Bomber fanatic, I jumped at the opportunity. I proceeded to download Chris Unarmed, with a code given to us by its developer/face model Chris Hughes.

In Chris Unarmed, you are the titular hero Chris, a being made up of a handsome face and feet. Using only your ability to jump, you must past through the game’s world collecting coins and attempting to rescue your homeland from the evil clutches of Mongo, a giant pink cat-like thing on wheels. Yeah, it’s kinda weird, and while it does resemble Mega Man in places, Chris Unarmed also has a hint of Ice Climbers in it.

Unarmed…Get It?

This game is retro-style platforming all the way. Chris Unarmed is all about getting from point A to point B with little or no powers. A is jump. Hold down A for a longer/higher jump. That’s it. Understand this from the beginning; unless you’re exceptionally proficient at platformers, you will die a lot. Sure, early on it may not seem that bad. The first few levels are basic enough that you’ll get into the game and enjoy it. There are two main types of levels: horizontal Mega Man-like affairs, and Ice Climber-style vertical chasms.

Later levels seem to add new challenges every step of the way. Some levels come equipped with air streams that utilize basic physics to keep you stuck on walls or float you around dangerous spikes. Then you add conveyor belts, rotating fireball columns (a la Bowser’s Castle), and ice floors to the equation. Each obstacle is introduced steadily along your journey. This gives you something new to face on each level. Plus, you can pick up keys that lead to challenge rooms (much like the secret rooms in Super Mario Bros) where you can solve puzzles to get more coins.

Even enemies evolve as the game goes on. In the beginning each enemy is basically a goomba, walking back and forth along a predetermined path. Eventually you come across enemies that move faster, and ones that can jump over chasms. Then you reach the little white bastards that follow you until you die. Then you reach the biggest asshole enemies: the shadow Chrises. These punk rock copies follow your every button input. You jump they jump, you move left they move left. This gets to be the biggest challenge later on, as you have to figure out a way to maneuver around something that reflect everything that you do.

Level aesthetics for the most part are nothing special. Green field here, icy mountain there. Then the game switches it up a bit. Not content with putting basic levels in there, Hughes decided to add levels that are obstacles in and of themselves. One set of levels takes place underwater, making Chris’ jumps floatier than before. Another set of levels takes place at sunset, meaning many of the platforms are covered in shadow and hard to see. These levels add to the increasing amount of obstacles I talked about before.

Finally the game ends in a spectacularly retro fashion. *SPOILER ALERT* Upon completion the game decides that beating it once wasn’t enough, much like Ghosts N Goblins. Once you defeat Mondo the first time, you must go through a majority of the levels you just beat (and a handful of new levels) backwards. This means scaling the chasm you just worked so hard to fall down, or finding a way through the level you didn’t think possible. I have to respect Hughes for this: it’s not often you see a platformer that can be played forwards and backwards.

A few other points worth mentioning:

• Every time Chris jumps, he grunts. Every single time. Yes, it does get annoying.
• Collecting coins has no bearing over the whole game until you reach the end, where a certain number of coins unlocks…something. I never got enough coins to know what that something is.
• The graphics are pretty nice, and the music is all right. Nothing to write home about in either department.
• Wardrox is in the credits as a game tester.

The challenge of the entire game is maddening at times, but not to the point that you want to stop. The biggest problem I have with the game is the length. While you’re playing, a timer ticks away at the top of the screen, letting you know how long you’ve been playing. At completion, it took me two and a half hours to get the game done. For a game that costs 240 Microsoft points, I’d expect a little more than a scant few hours worth of content. Other Indie Games I’ve reviewed have had a lot more content for fewer points. If you have the points though, this is one of the better Indie Games I’ve come across.

You should buy this game if…

…you need a good retro platformer to hold you over until Mega Man 10 releases.

Final Score:
Short and sweet, this platformer is aggravating, but in a good way.