Adventures In Middle-Aged Gaming: Do You Mind? I’m Urinating
Being an older gamer has its advantages. As I am older and more established I get to play most of the games that I want without having to worry whether “Mom and Dad” will approve. My Mom and Dad both know that they better keep their mouths shut or I’ll be shipping them off to the cheapest nursing home I can find when the time comes. A place where the term “Bowel Day” will likely take on an element of horror and not just disgust. However, as we well know from Peter Molyneux, life is complicated and there are checks and balances. With the good comes the inevitable bad. The bad in my case means that people seem to feel like they can talk to me in public when I clearly want to be left alone.
Recently, I assume because she thinks we’re both fat, my Mother-In-Law quite generously purchased memberships at a health club for my wife, myself and the kids. It has an indoor walking track, ice hockey rink, full fitness centre, indoor pool with waterslide, and a couple of restaurants just to top things off. In other words, it’s rather nice. So the Missus and I have been going walking on the track and flexing our flabbiness, and trying to be generally more healthy. We take turns carrying the baby around in a carrier while the other goes to the fitness centre to indulge in various forms of masochism. Recently it was my turn to carry the baby around in the carrier, which straps onto our backs and pretty comfortably keeps the spawn content. Apparently though, having grey hair and carrying a baby gives the unwashed masses carte blanche to just strike up conversations with me whenever they choose.
“Ummm Sir?…Sir? I beg your pardon sir?”
“Are you talking to me?”
“Yes sir I am. I was wondering, what are you doing?”
“Well, not that it’s any of your goddam business, but I’m trying to urinate while playing a game on my iPhone.”
“While holding a baby?”
“Yes, er, well no. I’m not actually holding him, he’s suspended in my Baby Bjorn. So he’s fine. Now if you don’t mind, I’m still working on two of my three objectives here, and frankly talking to a voice that is standing behind me while trying to take a piss is kind of odd.”
“Do you really think that it’s appropriate to be holding an infant while urinating, and playing a videogame on your phone?”
“You mean…as opposed to the propriety of harassing a man and his infant child in a public washroom?”
“Ummmm, yes, I guess so. It’s rather unhygienic don’t you think?”
“Look, I’m going to indulge you for approximately two minutes and then I’m going to start screaming for the police and I will accuse you of not only trying to fondle me but trying to interfere with an infant. My first point, is that I am not endangering my child, he is very secure in a $130 Baby Bjorn carrier. My second point is that I am playing Real Racing GTI, which is particularly good, and seeing as I’m just standing here for a bit I thought I’d play a game of it because I can play this game one-handed. And finally, it’s NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.”
“You’re very rude.”
“You have no idea.”
“Would you like your baby’s first words to be fuck?”
“I would if you are nearby yes.”
And then he left, I assume, because the mindless questions stopped. In all honesty I was fairly cautious when I turned around and kept a fairly close eye on my other patrons. No one in the area could describe the man I talked about. A few had heard us talking in the bathroom but no one caught what the guy looked like. On the way out of the health club later I looked around for someone watching for me so I could identify this nut to the security staff. I never did see his face. I wonder if he’ll reappear at some point? The moral of this story? Fitness is bad for you and your children.
You are my new hero.
There is nothing I hate more than strangers coming up to me and my 8 month old when I have her in the Bjorn. It’s as if they have never seen a fucking baby before.
Is that a picture of the loo’s phil. They look very dangerous :)
@James_El: terrifying in fact, they need mirrors. ;)
In fact they look like giant vaginas.
Those are the worst kind.
Hmm, this looks suspiciously like what you wish you had said ;)
Headphones tend to help people realize I am not a person who wants to talk to them. Only really old people who don’t know what wires leading to my ears mean will try to talk to me.
What disturbed the passerby may have been the fact that a baby and your penis were both visible and in close proximity and you were using a technological product near running water. Possibly. ;)
@Smab: Yes! I use that all the time. Sitting on trains with no music but headphones in rocks.
@Smab: Yep, the headphones usually work, I just assumed that standing at a urinal also might let others know that I was otherwise engaged.
its the same with people thinking they can interrupt someone who is reading. i swear to the spaghetti monster, one day i will have to choke a bitch that thinks she is more important than a novel i am reading.
as always, good piece phil! next time, dont stop any of your activities and just turn around to face the person talking to you ;-)
@Phil
You’ve lost it, isn’t it obvious? It was your subconscious talking. Though I fear he may finally have given up on you.
Did he really exist?
Now that you’re old, it takes you an extremely long time to pee. I’m glad to read that you are using that time to work on your multitasking skills. And I have no doubt that our baby’s first words will be along the lines of ‘fuck off douche’.
“You’re very rude.â€
What a twat. I’m sorry, but standing behind a man you don’t know whilst they are urinating and then talking to them is the ultimate in rudeness; it breaks every known rule of masculine etiquette in the book!
Naughton: “There is nothing I hate more than strangers coming up to me and my 8 month old when I have her in the Bjorn. It’s as if they have never seen a fucking baby before.”
When I used to go out out ‘wearing’ my sister’s babies (before they turned into hulking great 5 year olds that is), I used to get lots of remarks… very annoying, except if it was from cute girls or MILFs.