Disregarded Demographics: Gritters

If you’re a resident of the United Kingdom, chances are that you will have, at some point in the last few weeks, encountered nature’s favourite water-based hazard, ice.  Peering out of my window right now reveals a sheet of clear-ish death encrusting the path that winds to my front door.  We pray for the shimmer of the sun to remove the icicles from our guttering, or at least warily hope for more snow to temporarily mask the slippery trauma.

Yet stop fiddling with the woolly clothes necessary to survive the current temperatures for a few moments and you might realise that things could be far worse than they actually are.  There might be the odd bruised hip or embarrassing unintentional snowboarding impression, but it’s not as if people are falling to their doom every 17 seconds.  The council ninjas bearing salts and minerals are our secret saviours, totally ignored except when a complaint is to be made.

Gritters are the subject today.  For too long they have risen at the crack of dawn to throw mini orange rubble all over the floor to make everything just that bit more bearable.  Where is their thanks for doing their bit towards health and safety? That it could be described as a thankless task may go towards explaining the status of that one.  The public, happy to enjoy the snow when it’s all light and fluffy, shun these workers along with the frozen water that all abhor.  Since Wii is the most popular home console of the UK, it is this format that will be used to take gamers on a journey of understanding of the profession.  The world’s premier FPG (first person gritter) will ensure that people finally acknowledge that these people exist.

MotionPlus has, worryingly, still only been used sporadically in Wii games, but it would work perfectly here.  With a nunchuk plugged in for movement down the treacherous streets, your remote allows you to spread out precious grit at an incredible rate.  If you’ve played Wii Sports Resort - and with the amount sold, chance dictates that’s quite likely – it would work like the Frisbee game.  Pull the remote back to the hip opposite to the hand you’re holding the controller in, mash a fist around the A, B and d-pad buttons as if taking a big handful of grit, swing like Frisbee, release.  Don’t forget to attach the wriststrap, as you will be properly letting go for this to work!

Before the game will play you’ll need to perform one of those terrifying Wii system updates that always seem as though they’re about to destroy your console.  The reason soon becomes apparent; it enables the all-new WiiWake functionality.  Every morning at 5am or so the remote speaker will begin to emit a hellish screech to draw you out of your bed so that you can make the streets safe before the commuting begins.  It’ll also use the power of Wii’s Forecast Channel to determine how easy your job is going to be.  If there are sunny skies in reality, it’ll mean there’s not so much ice to purge in-game; plunging temperatures mean you’ll be working overtime.  Clever though this may be, it means that the game will only be playable in the winter unless you live in a lovely snow-filled country.

Should you perform well on foot, you may be awarded a vehicle of some description to allow a further and faster spread of grit.  Again, the nunchuk controls movement, though with a bit of tilting to steer involved now.  The remote becomes a lever that you hold vertically on your knee.  This is then used to adjust the amount of grit that tips out behind you; move it even slightly and you’ll change the amount, so get used to keeping that arm still when you have the right flow going.  While driving you’ll have to watch out for pedestrians and other vehicles, trying not to run over them and/or grit them to death.

One day the gritters will stand up and be counted, people will caw at them with joy as they approach and queue up to shake their hands, eyes tearful with gratitude.  Until then, we can continue to raise awareness with this surefire hit of a game.  Stay safe out there on the frozen water-ways, kids, and cross your fingers that your area remains relatively grit-heavy.  Unlike mine.  Gits.

Images: Celticlion, StonecotHillNews, DouglasBowie