Adventures In Middle-Aged Gaming: Big Love In My TV Stand

Well hello there my friend, can I call you 360 Pro? Maybe I’ll just call you Pro. You know, your particular specs are a little hard to come by these days. It’s either the big ones at 120 or 250 gigs, or your somewhat gimped little sibling with no hard drive on the shortbus. You may not know this but I was very close with an older sister of yours about three years ago. She was an Elite so you may not have travelled in the same circles. It was a quite an ordeal I had with your darker, bigger sister and I don’t want to brow beat you with her shortcomings. Let’s just say that she and I had some problems, and we decided to part ways somewhat prematurely.

Anyhoo, now I have decided to once more enter the 360 fray by picking up another of you sexy little darlings. Please ignore the very rude PS3 just below you on the stand. She doesn’t respond well to competition. And, even though I have been very clear with her about how she is my primary console and always will be, she’s a bit reactive right now. It doesn’t seem to matter that the only reason I picked you up was for Left 4 Dead 2, Mass Effect 2, Gears 2, and a few other exclusives that I am tired of missing out on. Nor does it seem to matter that I won’t be paying the robbery for access to Xbox Live Gold features, she just is in a funk right now.

I see that you still don’t include WiFi either… “See sweety, she doesn’t even have WiFi built in yet. There’s no need to be jealous.”

Now, can I make a bit of a comment on your facelift from last year? I see that this New Xbox Experience seems to have taken over everything, but why did you just move the blades to a smaller feature off of the funnily-shaped X button in the centre of the controller? You really should have just left the blades alone because let’s be honest they were awesome and seamless to use. I’d also like to pay you a compliment, you are far quieter than your predecessor, and much more reliable.That cunt you’re related to took me for over $1,000 in one weekend and she basically refused to come across after about 6 months! You know what, that wasn’t fair… I’m sorry for that outburst, you didn’t deserve that. Let’s get back on track, do I even have to comment on your considerable assets in software? I mean, I can pick up some of the best videogames in the last five years for you without even breaking a twenty. Very impressive.

So I just wanted to welcome you properly to our little home in the suburbs here. My older son is going to try to sneak in some Gears of War 2 when I’m not looking, but I already locked you out for Mature titles until I disable it, so he may be a bit grumpy when he turns you on. Nevermind him he’ll get distracted by Ratchet and Clank soon enough. I’m going to take you out for a little test run with the most excellent Left 4 Dead 2, and maybe a little nostalgia with some Halo 3, but otherwise you’ll be on minimal duty until Mass Effect 2 comes out. Please make yourself comfortable, I’m sure you’ll warm my PS3 after a while… Get it? Hahahah! I crack myself up, I’m sure you won’t run too hot like some sluts I could mention. Well, you better not anyway.