Dear Game, It’s Over: Brütal Legend

Dear Brütal Legend,

I don’t know of any good way of putting this so I’m going to come right out and say it: it’s over.

Believe me, I wish I didn’t have to do this. I still love you and treasure all the good times we had. You made me laugh, we had a lot of fun and even though I was never as into Metal music as you, you took me to a place where I finally learned to appreciate it. Well, almost. Still, our time together was full of moments that will stay with me for a long, long time and I don’t regret a single second – for all of these things,  I thank you.

When I introduced you to my friends,  some of them didn’t understand you. You were different from who they expected you to be and they shunned you; some of the others even laughed at me for wanting to be around you. I defended you every time because I know that there’s so much to love – but now I realise that it’s been eating away at me. What I’m talking about is… well, it’s complicated.

You do things a little differently, Brütal. Sometimes you seem like you’re all about fighting up close and personal, then the next you pull in all of these strategy elements. I know it must have been hard growing up with a hack-and-slashing father and a strategic mother but it leaves a lot of people unsure as to how you want them to treat you and sometimes, to put it bluntly, you’re not much help.

I really noticed it for the first time when I learned the solo that lets you plant or carry around a rally flag which tells freshly created troops where to gather. This is an invaluable tool, Brütal, the successful use of which can easily decide between a win and a loss. Yet, although the solo is easy to find, there is no requirement to pick it up – and when I did, you never bothered to explain to me how to use it effectively, or even tell me how important it was.

A quick tutorial wouldn’t have been too much to ask, surely, but what made it worse was that when I failed to employ it properly you hurt me for it. It’s almost like you wanted to hurt me, Brütal, like you were setting me up for a fall! I figured it out eventually but I had to do it on my own because you just weren’t telling.

I wish I could say that was the only time but it’s a theme that has repeated itself over and over again throughout our relationship. Remember the time I tried to play defensively? I did it because the previous time we’d played together you asked me to defend my stage from an onslaught, so I thought that being defensive was important to you. It was only natural for me to try to repeat my success, so it took me a while to work out that really you wanted me to be daring and aggressive. Once I worked that out, the Good Times rolled again but it was no thanks to mixed messages from you.

Or how about the time you made pains to explain to me how to order individual units around? For once I thought you were being straight with me but then later it turned out that you hardly ever wanted me to do it in practice; once again you punished me for taking you at your word. I’m not a bad loser, understand, but if the reason that I lose is because you weren’t being honest with me, or didn’t explain the rules to me properly, then you’re not being fair.

It felt like you weren’t pulling your weight, sometimes even like you were being deliberately confusing. I had to work doubly-hard to understand you or get you to respond well to me. It was only because those aforementioned Good Times were so great that I forgave you every time, even though at some points I needed to call up some of your ex-boyfriends just to exchange notes and get some tips on how to deal with you.

After trying so hard to figure out what you wanted from me, I thought we were going to be okay but then your designer, Tim Schafer, came out with a statement to the effect ‘you’re playing it wrong.’ I’ve got immense respect for the man, Brütal, believe me. I don’t think I ever told you this, but I used to go out with Psychonauts and Grim Fandango, both also by Tim Schafer – so it’s no wonder I was attracted to you despite your predilection for headbanging and making funny hand gestures. When he said those things, though, it hurt.

How could he say I’m playing you wrong when you never bothered to reach out to me and tell me properly how you wanted to be played? At best it was cheeky; at worst insulting.

From that moment I understood why some of my friends never had the patience for you that I did, despite everything great about you. Indeed, it took me a long time to let go – I couldn’t do it until you were 100% complete. I’ll still talk fondly of you, Brütal. I’ll still try to persuade friends of mine to give you a fair chance. Hell, let’s face it, you’re pretty hot and I wouldn’t necessarily pass up a chance to get together again some time in the future, you know – just for a fling. But I’ve moved on, for now – I no longer feel the need to practice my post-marriage signature (it’s too bad, really: Peter Silk-Legend would have been an awesome name) and I realise that there are other games I want to see.

No longer yours,

Peter “SurplusGamer” Silk-Legend