To Mario

To: Mario Mario, the Mushroom Kingdom

Dear Mario,

I’ve been very patient, but enough is enough. Your plumbing services came highly recommended, yet in the 25 years since I originally hired you, I don’t think I’ve once seen you hold a plunger. You have, however, repeatedly assaulted both myself and my employees, murdered my children, and generally made a nuisance of yourself.

This has lead to stress and ill health on my part, but even when I retired to the luxurious Isle Delfino for a relaxing holiday a few years ago, I could not escape your abuse. My recent attempts to launch a space tourism business were also needlessly thwarted by your meddling. Why don’t you go and pick on Richard Branson instead?

I admit, the sewer system of the Mushroom Kingdom is large and complex, with pipes regularly protruding out from underground, but how has the job taken you this long? I can’t help but wonder if your part-time work as a construction worker, racing driver, golfer, tennis player, footballer, baseball player, Olympian and medical physician have been cutting in to your plumbing.

Now, I understand that my relationship with Princess Peach is likely to have influenced your behaviour, but it’s hardly my fault that she wants nothing to do with you. I would have thought you’d get the message when she moved house seven times in order to avoid your harassment, but it seems you are nothing if not persistent.

Despite all this, I am willing to overlook your well-documented crimes. Never let it be said that I am anything less than forgiving. I only ask one thing before terminating your employment contract ‘“ get over here and fix the damn toilet. I’ve been dying for a crap since Super Mario Bros.

Yours,

Bowser