Adventures in Middle-Aged Gaming: Of Wii-tards and Weasels

It all started quite innocently.  Really.  I was at an electronics store, picking up a new network card for my rig, minding my own business when Walter bumped into me.  Walter was essentially a shorter thinner version of me.  Grey-haired, kind of pasty, he had food stains on his shirt.  After you get to our point in life, you really don’t give a shit half of the time about hygiene or personal image.  When he bumped into me, Walter dropped a few packages on the floor in the line up for the cashier.

Looking down at his packages I noticed something odd.  He had a Wii under one arm and had been balancing several peripherals and other accoutrements with the side that he had bumped into me with.  ‘œYou know, those Nyko attachments for the Wii-mote are completely unnecessary.  Just because you have a short plastic pseudo golf club attached to the Wii-mote, it doesn’t affect your game play at all.’  I said good naturedly and smiled politely.

At the time I thought his initial reaction was a bit strong, now I know better.  Crestfallen, and a little emotional he said; ‘œbut, he told me that I needed all this stuff to play the Wii.’  Walter was gesturing at the back of some skinny kid’s head who was in the section of the store where the games are.

‘œWell, I hate to tell you this, but either he’s lying or he’s mentally handicapped.’

‘œReally?’

‘œYep.’  I said.

Just then some lady passing by said; ‘œoh.  Here’s that re-charger station I told you about.  You totally need this too.  This will save you a fortune in batteries.’  And at that, this woman walked away to pay for her CD.

‘œY’know  bud, you may not really need that either.  It all depends on how much you think that you’re going to play the Wii.  Have you played many video games?’  I asked.

‘œI used to play Ms. Pac Man when I was younger…’

‘œAnd since then, not so much?’  He nodded in response.

‘œCan I also add that while you have a brand new console that comes with a fairly small game that is best played with others, you aren’t buying any extra controllers?’

‘œOh, he said.  Well that kid said I should get some but I was adding up everything I already had and was worried that it was becoming pretty pricey.  I thought that this was supposed to be an inexpensive video game.’

So we introduced ourselves and I agreed to spend a little time with him to see if we could save him a little money.  Over his shoulder I noticed that the skinny kid that had been helping him had noticed that his customer was still in the store and was starting to slowly make his way over to us.

‘œOk. Walter.  I’ll make this quick and fairly easy.  The Wii is a great console, and yes it’s relatively cheap and the games are usually about ten bucks less than those of its competitors; however, there is a lot of crap that comes along with it so let me ask you a few questions.

‘œDo you like to blow shit up?  Do you like music?  How old are your kids?  Is your wife interested in playing?’  Walter’s answers were; ‘œyes, yes, 6 and 2, and maybe.’

‘œOK I said. These are the basics that you need; your console, Wii-Play, another Nun-chuk, and some AA batteries.  That will get you and one other person at a time playing the tennis, the golf, and the boxing.  You will have fun.  If you are still playing this thing in a couple of months you might want to look at Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles, Guitar Hero, and/or Mario Kart; these are fun games that are easy to get into.  Beyond this you then might want to get that recharger station by Nyko.  But see if you actually enjoy the thing first.’

‘œWell if we’re recommending games why not Smash Bothers Brawl?’  A tinny voice sounded behind me.  ‘œOr Metroid’ he added, with quite a snotty tone.

I turned and there was the skinny little bastard who had been helping Walter before.  ‘œSeriously?  You’d recommend Brawl to a guy who has no history with Nintendo, consoles, or fighting games?’

‘œIt’s the best game on the system, after all.’

‘œWell maybe’ I responded, ‘œthat’s debatable.  But Brawl is not a game that a newcomer would enjoy.’

‘œThere’s also Okami.  He should get that too.’  The little prick was puffing out his chest now.

‘œWho are you?’  I asked.  ‘œThe bastard child of Bobby Kotick and Jade Raymond?  You’re trying to take all of his money while also shamelessly promoting yourself?’

Walter decided to chime in at this point.  ‘œDo I really need these Wii points cards you told me to get too?’ he asked defiantly.  And not waiting for a response from the kid I asked; ‘œWalter do you even have a router at home?’  ‘œWhat’s a router?’ He replied.

I just looked at the kid and said; ‘œdude, you are pure evil.’

‘œWalter you need the console and an extra controller set.  That’s it.  There’s plenty of other stuff to get but just see if you like the damn thing first.’

And then I left. This was getting weird, and frankly, part of me didn’t like Walter very much.  He’s the kind of guy that should have done a lot more research into his purchase.  Oh well, at least Nintendo has added another consumer to the market.  I’m sure this guy is going to drop thousands of dollars in the future on electronics.

Image: Think Geek