Nester’s Funky Bowling – A Retro Review.

Shitty: Very bad; unpleasant; miserable;

You may be wondering why I started off my first review for Negative Gamer with the definition of ‘œShitty.’ My friends, I am pleased to tell you, that without a doubt, the meaning of that word is interchangeable with the title ‘œNesters Funky Bowling’

You may be saying to yourself, ‘œWhy Brandon, I’ve never even HEARD of that game’ in which case you should count your lucky stars. Nesters Funky Bowling was released for the Nintendo Virtual Boy in 1996. The sheer notion that a game THIS terrible came out in ’96, when some of my fondest memories of gaming were before/after this date, astounds me. I would also like to state that James Edward Masker can still, and probably will, go to hell for making me review this game.

So where do I begin with Nesters Funky Bowling? You already know it’s the virtual boy, so naturally it’s 3D and it’s single color is RED. Yes, the ENTIRE game is red. Why on God’s green earth Nintendo would make a system with a monochromatic color scheme is beyond me. My only guess is that Nintendo was on acid in the mid 90s. Aside from everything being red, the game was actually a semi-competent bowling game. The game play was shockingly decent. It was a standard bowling game though, so that’s really like winning an argument on the internet. Yeah, you won, but you’re still an idiot.

The audio on it was downright laughable. It gives you 3 choices of songs, all of which are painful to the ears and may have caused my little sister to cry and have night-terrors for years to come. I mean seriously, how hard is it to produce GOOD music, even on an monophonic midi? I’ve heard better sounds from pre-1996. I will say though, I was worried with a name like Nesters Funky Bowling, that it would be ‘œFunky’ music. The only thing that could have made this game worse, would be having Disco music playing.

The one other thing I have to say about the game is that it’s ‘œcut scenes’ were just as terrible to boot. Even when I had a DECENT shot your character would appear angry, as if I had rolled a gutter ball. This to me means that the game demands perfection. So what exactly are we teaching the kids who innocently played this game? That perfection is necessary and your parents won’t love you unless you can bowl a 300 in Nesters Funky Bowling. I never actually got a strike in this game, and my final score was an 80, so I don’t know if your character would ever appear happy. I doubt it. The game was probably made by Hitler to torture the children in the camps. Nintendo bought the rights to the game cheap.

So in conclusion, I would never suggest that anyone 1) purchase a Virtual Boy, or 2) Ever even consider playing Nesters Funky Bowling.