How to Host a Gamer Party

[Editor's Note - it has come to my attention that this post is very similar to one posted yesterday on Kotaku. This is pure coincidence.]

Contrary to popular belief, gamers are actually the coolest people alive. If a gamer were to go to speakers corner in Hyde Park to and get up on their soapbox and educate the masses as to the optimum WoW raid group and the bullet patterns on ikaruga, all the women in the area would instantly go moist. It’s true I’ve seen this happen.

With this in mind I thought it might be a nice idea to pass on some ideas and thoughts on how to have a lovely game-centric party.

Pre-party:

Be sure to select the games you’re going to have people play. It’s important that you select the games that YOU want to play. It’s your party after all. As for the set-up in which you will be hosting this social gathering, use your biggest most expensive TV with its HD goodness and surround-sound. If someone wants to play on another system tell them to bring it round with them along with another HD television to plug in (if they suggest bringing their standard-ass definition to this party, politely call them a “fag” and say no).

Your guests will probably want alcohol and food to make it worth their time. I recommend lobster and champagne to add a touch of class to the occasion. Speaking of guests, they are stupid and are liable to break all of your shit. To prevent this from happening it is wise to call them up beforehand and give them a good talking to about how if you find any broken things the morning after that they can expect a call from your attorney.

If you’re going to leave your computer on for music or whatever, remember to change your desktop image from that animé girl being raped by tentacles to something slightly more socially acceptable. Remember to delete all of the short-cuts to porn from your desktop too as this could lead to negative repercussions and/or jail time.

During:

Remember to shout at all guests who put drinks down without using a coaster. That cabinet was fucking expensive and you don’t want moisture rings left on it now do you? If guests are arguing over who gets to have a turn of a game; take the controller off them and play it yourself for an hour. You’re in charge here and you have to lay down the law. Actually it might even be a good idea to print out a A4 sheet of rules and hand one to each guess as they arrive. Laminating them before hand will show them that you mean business and that you demand respect.

In the unfortunate event that you run out of loo-roll, newspaper makes an acceptable backup, magazines a close second. In emergencies just use the toilet brush really carefully.

When you’re playing competitive games it is advisable to shit-talk your opponent as much as you can as it will put them in their place. In the unlikely event that you lose you should throw the controller at someone/something and storm off as it was clearly an unfair match. Winning is the most important thing.

If the door-bell rings mid-game they shall have to let themselves in.

If someone isn’t having a good time ignore them. They clearly don’t know how to enjoy themselves and aren’t worth your time. They will leave of their own accord given long enough.

Post-party:

The instant your last guest leaves you should log onto Facebook and start slagging everybody off. They may feel offended or upset when they see the messages but it is ultimately for their own good as it will condition them into being a better guest.

Don’t bother cleaning up, just live around the mess. If things start to mould you can get rid of them if you like. But containers and crumbs and crap are fine. They aren’t in anybody’s way and the smell isn’t unbearable yet.

If you follow this advice properly I can assure you that there is a 100% chance that you will be waking up the morning after with two or three totally smokin’ babes. I know what I am talking about.

(thanks for the tips Necros)