You’re Not Special Because You Were Just Born

It’s such an annoyance when parents (mine and others) will take a look at my collection of games that has been growing for almost two decades, and comment:

“Your kids will have a field day with all those games!”

No. No they won’t. For one thing, I am not having children. Do not fight me on this. You will lose. Another thing, whose mandate was it that stated I needed to allow my young spawn access to my gaming collection? Last time I checked, no one’s. I don’t need a howling little yardmonkey happily strewing discs and cartridges along the carpet like Lindsay Lohan’s underwear at a nightclub. I worked too hard and too long to amass a gaming collection to be proud of, often going without essentials (read: movies, trinkets, cute clothing, McDonald’s) to allow my precious lovelies to ever be in a state of disarray.

However, there are those of you out there who do plan on having children and who do intend to share your gaming commodities with the fruit of your loins. For this, I have devised a plan that will minimize the damage they cause to the discs, equipment, and your sanity. It will also prevent them from managing to get online with their games. I am a strong advocate for keeping anything electronic and fun out of childrens’ hands because they like to leave DS Lites in the rain, break controllers, and get pissed because they can’t understand games that idiotic parents buy for them (I’m looking at you, soccer mom who bought World at War for her toddler).

But, if you MUST, it’s called: “You’re Not Special Because You Were Just Born.”

Intrigued? Of course you are.

The idea behind this program is to have children experience gaming the exact same way their parents did. For instance, instead of gifting them with a Wii or something similar when they are at the appropriate age to begin gaming, they receive what you started off with, whether it’s a Nintendo or an Atari or Commodore 64, what have you. What, just because they were born in the 2000s you believe they should have access to the latest and the greatest graphics and gameplay (that point can easily be disputed but you know what I mean)? No.

Step One: Assigning A Starter System

What was your first gaming system? Do you still own it? If so, dig it out of storage or bring it out of the closet for your crotch goblin. Next, you must determine how you obtained the system. Did you scrape together your hard-earned cash, or was it given to you as a gift? Did you wait in line at launch to get it? However you received your first console is how the kid will. But only for the first console. The rest will have to be earned. Let’s say for the sake of argument you were given your NES as a Christmas present. That’s how your child will receive it. If the date happens to be July and they’re yammering about an Xbox 360, tell them to wait until Christmas for a special surprise. They’ll be delighted. The disrespectful children of today need to learn where their razzle-dazzle graphics and blood and gore came from. What better way to teach them than to give them first-hand experience?

Step Two: Updates

Once they’ve received a system, keep them updated about the next console. If they’ve got an NES, then print out old promotional posters and tell them all about the SNES that’s coming out in a few years. They’ll be so excited they’ll be wetting themselves. If they do wet themselves, take away all gaming privileges. Of course, when you say a couple years, then that’s what you stick to. The SNES was released in 1991, while the NES was released in 1985. Lucky children! They will get to play with their shiny NES for five years. Hype up the next system. Make it sound mouth-watering and amazing. Slip in a homemade DVD here and there that advertise the systems and watch their eyes light up with joy. They’re such gullible little things. Retire to your room for a late night Left 4 Dead session and know that you’re doing the rest of the gaming world a favor.

Step Three: Upgrades

Five years later, while they’re playing NES games and learning their roots, you can introduce the SNES! HOLY SHIT!! Instead of giving them allowance, they will have to earn their own money to “preorder” an old SNES. If they cannot fork over the cash, when the release date of the SNES rolls by then they will be out of luck. If they have been naughty little dingleberries, then they’ll just have to wait until they can pay full price for the system. If they can’t pay it, then that’s just too bad. Do not give into their whining and their crying. Explain to them that Xboxes and PS3s and Wiis are strong advocates of muffin tops, experimentation in college, and that Satan knows them personally. They’ll get the drift.

Step Four: Graduation

Because the program is meant to keep children from destroying your property until they are old enough for sentient thought, they are not likely to graduate from it until you are on your death bed. If this is so, it means you have triumphed as a gamer parent. Good job.

The beauty of this system is that by the time your child has graduated to the system that came out during the next few years, they should be getting old enough to know how to NOT act like drunken miscreants. If you gift a five year old with an NES and they receive a SNES at ten, then they’ll be well on their way to treating your collection like gold. Plus, they’re learning the value of growing up with gaming rather than expecting everything to be handed to them like they’re anything more than subhumans. Wait a minute, did I really type that? I think I just did. Online gaming is just a far-off ideal in the future to them, effectively removing some of the idiocy that is playing with children over XBL or PSN.

You’re welcome. Now, prospective parents, get out there and get this plan into action! I’m sick of no-scoping your middle school dropout!

Special thanks to my friend Simon, who had this conversation with me and brought up the general notion of restricting console access. Buy him some chicken nuggets.